Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives whose husbands have told them that they aren’t sure if they want to be married anymore. Needless to say, wives aren’t sure how to process this painful, and often shocking, information. Human nature dictates that you’ll likely hear the most negative message – especially when you fear the outcome. But your commitment to your marriage often dictates that you’ll WANT to find hope wherever you can. To make matters worse, the husband will try to soften the blow by giving the wife conflicting information. He may tell her that although he still has feelings for her, he’s on the fence about their marriage. This can be incredibly confusing.

A wife might say, “my husband and I were fighting over something stupid this weekend. And in a fit of anger, he blurted out that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be married to me anymore. Of course, my immediate reaction was to say, ‘what do you mean that you may not want to be married to me. Don’t you love me anymore? He tripped over his words, got flustered, and finally chocked out that he thought he still loved me, but he also thought that, deep down in his heart, perhaps he had doubts about our marriage. I told him this was not only shocking and hurtful, but incredibly confusing. He’s reassuring me that he very likely still loves me. And yet, he’s definitely unsure that he still wants to be married to me. He’s mentioned it a couple of times now. How do I begin to process such a sharp contrast? Because I most definitely do not identify with what he’s saying. I will fully admit that our marriage has struggled lately. Things most definitely are not like they used to be between us. But I would never use these things as an excuse to walk out on my marriage – or even to question it. Honestly, I had no idea that he felt this way, and I’m embarrassed that I missed it. Worse, I have no idea how to interpret what he’s saying or how to act as a result of it. Where does this leave me?”

I understand how hurt and confused you are. But it is very important not to panic and to keep this in perspective. He has not left and he has not asked you to leave. He’s not yet taken any action, other than to share his thought process and feelings with you. These are positive signs for now.  

So it is important to tread lightly to not make this worse. Instead, you want to address it so that it goes no further than this. Here are some tips.

See This As Him Giving You A Valuable Opportunity To Avoid The Worst-Case Scenario:  I know that it doesn’t feel like it right now, but your husband has possibly given you a gift. Here’s why. I can’t tell you how many wives I hear from after their husband has either already served them with divorced papers or moved out – potentially for good. The first warning that these wives get comes with huge challenges because honestly, he’s already gone. She now has an uphill climb to get him back.

In your case, your husband is still in your home. So your task is to keep him there and to keep him invested. I’m not saying that this isn’t challenging, but at least you still have a present audience. At least he’s still communicating with you. You have the luxury of properly addressing this BEFORE he takes action. 

That said, you lose this advantage if you do nothing and just hope that the problem goes away. But if you see this as a wake-up call that you can answer to save your marriage, then you’re already halfway home. See this as an opportunity rather than an overt threat. 

Don’t Challenge His Thought Process. Accept It As His Truth And Then Address The Underlying Issues:  I am bringing this up to be contrary or combative. I’m bringing it up because you need to understand that often, our first instinct is to try to point out exactly where our husband is wrong. Even in the statement above, the wife seized on the fact that the husband’s conflicting claims didn’t make sense. How can he still love her but not want to be married? Another common counterpoint is that yes, things aren’t great, but it’s not so bad as to end your marriage. You may be right. But you have to understand that this is YOUR reality. And he has his own reality. And in his own mind, his reality is his truth no matter how many holes your try to poke in it. 

I can save you much time by telling you that pointing out the flaws in his logic won’t do much good. He’s already formed his narrative or he wouldn’t be sharing it. Accept that this is his truth gather more information.

Focus on the biggest contributing factors to his not wanting to be married. And how you can address them. You’re going to have to ask him directed questions as you’re able. He may not be receptive to answering you all at once, but over time, you should be able to find out at least most of what you need to know. 

And yes, he may give you vague directives like “I’m just not feeling it anymore,” etc. but know that most issues come down to intimacy, attention, and commitment. If you have these things, you don’t nitpick all of the other vague issues. 

You’ll need to drop any anger or denial and get down to the business of getting close to your husband again. This doesn’t need to be complicated because you’ve done it before. But it often just requires attention, vulnerability, and playfulness – all things which might be in short supply right now but can also be restored – especially if you become his partner in crime in this process. 

Know He Is More Likely To Follow You If You Lead Him To Where The Pay Off Is: I’ve tap-danced around this already, but now I’m just going to say it directly. You’ll have more success if you restore a strong bond between you before you try to make huge changes. If you are living like roommates, how much progress can you really make toward the vulnerability needed to truly save your marriage? You need for him to feel close to you so he’s going to really and truly listen to what you have to say and take it to heart. 

Make the time to revisit the things you used to enjoy doing together. Try your very best to show him the best version of you when you are together. Save your angry and fearful self for your girlfriends – at least for right now.  

Understand that human nature dictates that people will move toward the things that make them feel good about themselves and away from the things that make them feel negative. 

The bottom line is simply this: If he feels better when he is with you than when he is away from you, then he’ll likely want to stay married. If he doesn’t, perhaps he won’t. 

So you need to make sure that his pay off is at home – with you. On the plus side, if you do this correctly, you’ll build a more fulfilling marriage for BOTH of you, so that your payoff is also with him. 

Unfortunately, when my husband told me he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married anymore, I didn’t pay enough attention. I thought he was just blowing off steam

But, this escalated until we almost got a divorce. Thankfully, I soon paid very close attention and eventually was able to save my marriage by trying something new. That story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com