Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There are certain behaviors that wives start to notice when they suspect that their husband has begun to check out of their marriage. One example is when he is no longer interested in making sure that the home runs smoothly. Perhaps he used to take an interest in household maintenance (even if he wasn’t necessarily a handyman) because he cared about his family’s safety and wellbeing. But as he seems to be losing interest in his marriage, his interest in helping out around the house seems to be waning as well.  Because this can appear to be a pretty drastic change in his behavior, the wife can’t help but wonder if it is anything to be concerned about. Sometimes she will ask him about it and he will downplay his behavior or accuse her or seeing a problem where none actually exists.

Here is an example. A wife might notice that the husband who used to take pride in his yard and the exterior of his home now seems to care less. The wife wonders if this sudden disinterest reflects on his feelings about her, the marriage, and his family. She might say: “for all of our marriage, my husband and I had an agreement that I would take care of the inside of the house and he would take care of the outside. We took pride in our home because it is where our kids grew up.  Our home often got awarded “yard of the month” in our neighborhood. We were happy and although no one wants to spend their hard-earned weekends cleaning or doing maintenance, we tried to get it out of the way as soon as possible so that we could enjoy the rest of our time together. But we did take pride in our home and made it a priority. Lately, though, my husband has stopped doing his part. The paint on our home is peeling. He hired a teenage kid to do the yard, but the kid does the minimum that he can get away with so now there are weeds. The thing is, it’s not that my husband physically can not do the work. He goes and works out and exercises. It is also not that he doesn’t have time. He just seems to have lost interest in our home and his part in it. Also, some of the stairs on the porch have become wobbly. But when I mention this to him, he says that it’s just normal wear and tear and I should not worry. If I had mentioned this five years ago, he would have taken care of it because he wanted me to be safe and happy. Now, he acts as if he doesn’t care about our safety or take pride in our home anymore. This is one example that I can give, but I notice that he generally just does not appear to be invested in things having to do with our family and marriage. For example, we used to always have an annual Christmas party for our family and friends, but now he’s not interested in that anymore. My sister says that I am just wanting to knick pick about things, but I’m not sure that this is true. Things just feel a bit off and different. Am I wrong to be concerned about this?”

It’s Not About The Chores.  It’s About The Distance: I don’t think that you are wrong. Often, it’s not necessarily about the household chores or the specific behaviors, it’s just about the feeling or vibe you get when you see him distancing himself from you and the care of the family/household. I know exactly what you mean. Before my husband actually moved out, he acted much differently toward me or things related to me. He no longer wanted to discuss long-term things like vacations or money matters. He stopped doing long-term maintenance type of things. And I believe that this is because he was no longer looking at the long-term in our marriage because he was thinking about separating and he did not know how things were going to turn out between us.

With that said, I know many couples who happily hire out their household chores. They can afford to do this and would rather spend their spare time doing other things. They are happily married and it’s just not an issue. The difference, though, is that this is how they mutually chose to approach it. The behavior did not change. Since your husband, like mine, used to be invested in these things and began to change, then I would potentially be concerned about that. To be fair, people do change their preferences over time. My husband now takes our cars for an oil change rather than doing it himself because he figured out that he really wasn’t saving much money by doing it himself. However, he takes them regularly to be serviced to ensure our safety, so I am not concerned.

If He’s Not Interested In The Home, Is He Not Interested In You Or The Marriage?: I believe that the real issue is whether you feel that his lack of interest in the household is correlated to a lack of interest in your marriage, your well-being, and your safety. If this is the case, then yes, I think it’s cause for concern. Anytime a husband begins to check out, I get concerned just because I have some baggage from my own separation.  I saw the same types of behaviors and I just tried to ignore them, with disastrous results.  Perhaps you can’t force him to do household things again if he is happy hiring it out, but I don’t think it would hurt to try to look hard at your marriage and determine if there is any way that you could improve it or restore the intimacy. Because if you can do that, you might see his interest in the house increase again. Ask yourself if there are any concrete marital issues that you can address. In my opinion, a husband who is invested in his marriage wants to ensure his wife’s and family’s safety. There are certainly caring and loving husbands who hire these tasks out. There is nothing wrong with that. The important factor is the concern that the work is done, and done right. If it seems that your husband doesn’t care if the work is done or not, this might indicate that his level of investment is waning, but you would be in a better position to evaluate this than I am.

I would strongly suggest addressing your concerns as soon as you have them.  It is much better to be safe than sorry.  As I mentioned, I tried to ignore our problems in the hopes that they would go away.  This was a huge mistake.  I ended up separated instead.  I finally saved my marriage after many mistakes.  But it would have been easier to never separate in the first place. You’re welcome to read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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