Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are struggling with the reasoning that their husband is using for pursuing distance, a break, or a marital separation.  Sometimes, the husband will try to tell the wife that the feelings are no longer there, if they were ever there in the first place.  This can be particularly hurtful when the wife is very clear on the fact that she still loves her husband and always has.

I heard from a wife who said, “For the last several months, my husband has been dropping little hints which suggest that he isn’t sure about our marriage or about his feelings for me.  I tried to tell myself that he was stressed out at work and by his mother’s recent serious illness.  I hoped that it would all go away when those issues resolved themselves.  Well, unfortunately, not only have those issues not resolved themselves but now he has started to very directly tell me that he doubts his love for me.  And as a result, he wants to pursue a separation.  I have tried telling him that he should not make such a huge decision when he is juggling all of these other things because reality may not be clear to him.  His response is that for the first time in a very long, reality is suddenly crystal clear for him.  He says that he now sees that he wasn’t in love with me on our wedding day and that he just married me because he thought it was what was expected of him. He’s now proclaiming he’s never loved me.  He thinks that we were never truly in love with each other. I am stunned and hurt by this.  I believe that if he sat down and thought about it rationally, he would realize that he doesn’t mean the things that he is saying.  I felt loved for all of these years and frankly, I don’t think that he would have been that good at faking it.  What am I supposed to make of this?  What should I do? How do I respond when I think he’s being overly dramatic and that he is just plain wrong? I certainly don’t buy that we were never in love with each other.  I was there.  I know how I felt.”

Has He Gone Through A Recent Trauma or Crisis, Even A Mid-Life One? Is It His Pain Talking?: I really felt for this wife.  It is very difficult to be in a situation where you are sure that you can see things so clearly, but you can’t make your spouse see it, even when the topic is as important as your marriage.  I know that you likely feel that if you could just find the right words or catch him in the right mood, then you could probably have a chance of changing this.  But here is what you need to understand.  When people go through traumatic things like the critical illness or death of a parent, they often go through a personal crisis as well.  Because suddenly, they realize that one day they are going to be dealt the same fate.  No matter who you are or what you have done, no one can escape aging or the threat of death.  This can make you evaluate your life and how you want to live. You want to enjoy what is left of it.

This is why you will often see husbands want to separate or divorce after one of their parents dies or gets sick. Or when they experience a midlife crisis. Sometimes, their concerns about their marriage are legitimate.  And other times, they are projecting other stressors onto their marriage.  This isn’t fair, but it is just often the way that it is, even though they can not objectively see it at the time (even when you point it out to them.) After all, no one wants to admit that they are struggling in this way.

As Best As You Can, Try To Empathize And See Him As Someone In Pain:  Think about this.  When someone musters up their courage to tell their life-partner something as dramatic as this, they have to be really suffering. Try to remember that he is hurting.  I know that his pain doesn’t negate your pain, but if you are not careful, you both may come to regret the words that you express right now but can not take back. As best as you can, try to be patient and understanding.  Try to let him know that you have his back and that you want him to ultimately be happy and to feel that he is living his best life.

Offer Non-Dramatic Suggestions That May Provide Some Relief: You could try suggesting that he just take some time for himself by your staying with friends or taking a solo vacation so that no one has to make the drastic (and potentially unnecessary) decision to move out.   Sometimes, allowing him to take this space will bring about a faster and better resolution.  Once he has the time to grieve, sort this out, and heal, he may come to realize that he acted very hastily and that he was wrong in his assumptions. He may realize in horror that he does love you very much and is very sorry to have claimed that he doesn’t. He may realize that you have ALWAYS been in love with one another, but are going through a tough time right now.

I know that the idea of him taking space is often not a welcome one.  But very often, if you do not offer off this space he will not only resent it, he will often just take it regardless of whether you cooperate or support him.  So it is better for you to try to control the situation instead of trying to fight him on it.  You don’t want him to see you as the enemy.  You want him to see you as the ally.  I would not even debate the issue of him loving you now or in the past because your heart is already telling you what you need to know.  Instead, just listen and try to be as supportive as you can, even if what he says is hurtful but ultimately untrue.  It is his grief talking. It is not the truth.

When my husband wanted to separate, he tried to question the validity of our relationship.  I tried not to read too much into this because I knew in my heart that he loved me but was struggling.  I would love to tell you that I handled everything perfectly, but I didn’t because of my fear.  However, I eventually got it together and saved my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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