Leslie Cane Articles

I often hear from wives who are ruminating over their husband’s announcement that he wants a break, separation, or possibly a divorce. Understandably, these wives can go over and over not only what he said, but HOW he said it. People suppose that it might be meaningful if he was indecisive or if he showed some emotion when making this announcement. Believe it or not, some men actually cry. So you can understand why their wives might wonder if their tears mean that one day a reconciliation might be possible. Someone might say, “I can’t say that my husband leaving me is a complete surprise. I knew that he was unhappy. He was pretty open about it, but he did agree to wait a bit before deciding what he wanted to do. Well, I guess he has made that decision because last night, he sat me down and told me that he was going to stay with a friend for a while and possibly later look for his own place. He said that he wants a separation and could possibly want a divorce eventually, depending upon how the separation goes. At times, it was difficult to understand his intentions because he could not seem to finish what he was saying without struggling and even crying. This was hard to witness. No one wants to see their spouse cry. But honestly, it gave me hope that one day a reconciliation might be possible. I asked him why he was crying and he said that this was all very sad. He said that he wasn’t sure if he was making the right choice and that he was disappointed that things weren’t better between us. I felt a bit encouraged, but then I talked to my sister and she told me that I shouldn’t get my hopes up because my husband has just told me that he might want to divorce me, so I shouldn’t be sugar coating this. Is she right? Is there any hope when a husband cries when he asks you for a separation?”

Why You May See Conflicting Emotions: From my own experience during my own separation, anything is possible. My husband didn’t cry when telling me that he was moving out. He was pretty stoic. I think that he did not want to get emotional because he knew that I was going to get emotional. And it DID upset him when I cried. But unfortunately, it did not change his mind. I find that a lot of people are extremely conflicted when they make the decision to separate. They are fully aware that this is a decision that affects not only them, but also their spouse and possibly their children. Many people do not take this lightly. They know that it is a drastic decision and they are sad and disappointed to make it. At the same time, many of them feel that they need to follow it through in order to know whether it was the correct decision or not.

So yes, I do think that it is positive when your husband shows emotion during this conversation. It tells you that he is still invested in you, the marriage, and the outcome of what is going to happen moving forward. It also tells you that he still cares about your feelings and well being. These things are important. However, they will only get you so far.

Many people who separate from their spouse are fully aware that they still love their spouse. This separation decision is not always based on a lack of love. It is usually based on a desire for something to change or to improve. Many separated people still love their spouse very much and yet, they just didn’t feel that they could continue to live with the situation as it was.

Using What You Know To Your Advantage: So what does this mean for you and why it is important? It tells you that your husband still cares and that is an advantage that you have. But it also tells you that this caring wasn’t enough to make him stay. So in order to get him to come back, you’re going to want to look very closely at the factors that contributed to him leaving. Was there an issue that just kept popping up? Is there something going on with his job? Had you lost intimacy? Was his unhappiness a combination of multiple factors? It is important to take an honest look at what has happened. Because the more obstacles that you can remove, the more likely he is going to be to decide that not only do you love one another, but your marriage is now a tolerable and improving situation. It is often that combination that allows a reconciliation to happen.

Once my husband and I reconciled, he admitted that he had never stopped loving me and that he never stopped wishing that our marriage could work. It was just that the reality of our marriage wasn’t close enough to the marriage that he’d envisioned in his mind. It hurt a great deal when he made this admission, but once I thought about it, I realized that he had a valid point. The reality of our marriage wasn’t as I envisioned it either, if I was being honest. No marriage is perfect, but it makes sense to get yours as good as you can. Which is why I started working on myself during our separation. I figured that if our marriage couldn’t be saved, at least I would have made some improvements to myself, which is never really a waste of time and is always worth doing. Luckily, the improvements that I made DID help with my marriage. These improvements (combined with a few other things) did allow me to save my marriage. And while it was great that we still had feelings for each other, it was the actions that we took during the separation that ultimately saved our marriage. There’s more about that process at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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