Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who know that their separated husband’s words should be providing them with some reassurance, but they aren’t. And one big reason for this is that the words that he speaks are different from the words that he expresses with his actions. He words might be telling her that he wants to end the separation or he wants to be with her, but his actions aren’t moving him closer to that goal.

So I might hear a comment like: “my husband and I have been separated for about seven months. He was offered a job transfer at about the same time that our marriage was struggling the most. So, he decided that it made sense for him to take the transfer and for us to live apart for a while. I objected to this, but I wasn’t the only one who was making this decision. I really didn’t have a choice because he was adamant that the separation would be good for us. While we have been apart, I am confident that we have missed each other. I know that I miss him and he says that he misses me. He comes home some weekends and we seem to be communicating much better. Maybe it’s because we don’t want to waste our limited time arguing. Lately, we have been talking about reconciling. This is what I truly want. And my husband claims that this is what he wants also. But, these are just words. Because he never follow ups the words with any actions. When we talk, I ask him if he has talked to his boss about transferring back. And he never has. Some weekends, when he comes home, I will ask him if maybe he wants to start moving some of his clothes back. He has some winter clothes at his apartment, which he doesn’t need right now. He certainly should be home with me by the winter. But, he resists bringing his clothes home. I’m starting to wonder if he is telling me the truth. Why would he say he wants to be with me and then not move heaven and earth to make it so?”

There are some possible reasons for this. And they aren’t always bad or negative reasons that mean that he is not telling you the truth. I will discuss some of the possibilities below.

It May Difficult For Him To Just Pick Up And Leave: I think that a very likely scenario is that it might be more difficult for the husband to transfer than he is letting on. It might not be possible for him to just walk into his bosses office and announce that he is going to make another job change. He may not want to worry you with these details, so he’s just hoping that you will be a little more patient with him. He may have good intentions that he really will come back at some point, but he isn’t sure when and he doesn’t want to upset you by saying this.

He May Still Have Some Doubts Or There May Still Be Issues That He Wants Resolved: He may not want to upset you by admitting that he doesn’t think that your relationship is optimal yet or that he is still worried about some outstanding issues between you. He may be optimistic that, in time, you will be able to work through this. But, this is why you might be seeing those delays. He’s waiting for some of the issues that are still worrying him to resolve themselves and he doesn’t want to cause more problems by bringing this up.

He May Not Have A Timeline In The Same Way That You Do: He may well be thinking that “one day,” when things are much better, the two of you are going to reconcile. But his idea of “one day” may be much different than yours. He may see “one day” as months away while you may see it as next weekend. This doesn’t mean that he is lying to you or that he never wants to reconcile. It may just mean that he’s not in the same rush that you are.

How Best To Deal With This: So, how do you clear the air so that you can get him home more quickly? Well, you don’t want to sound accusatory and you don’t want to approach him if you are going to sound angry. You don’t want for him to get defensive and then to begin to think that he doesn’t want to come home at all. You want to lure him toward coming home, not away from it.

So while you want to be up front and direct, you don’t want to give the impression that you believe that he is deceiving you or stalling. You might consider something like: “it might be obvious that I want you to come home as soon as possible. I know that there might be circumstances which are preventing this. I know that everything might not just fall into place immediately. But I want for you to know that I am really trying to make sure that things run smoothly between us when you do come home. And I hope that you are really trying to make this happen as soon as if feasible. Will you just keep me posted as to how it’s going? I’m just trying to get an idea as to when we might be together full time. Do you have any insights on this?”

Then, allow him to talk. He may provide a more information or he may tell you why he’s not moving as fast as you might like. Some of these delays might be something that you can control, while others may not be. But what is most important is that you keep talking about it and you regularly talk about any progress or any delays. The worst thing that you can do is to get angry or frustrated and then worry in silence. Ask him what is behind the delay and then control what you can and trust that he is doing his best with the rest.

When my own husband seemed to be stalling about coming home, I assumed that he wasn’t truly sincere.  This was a huge mistake and my reaction jeopardized our reconciliation.  Once I decided to have more patience, things improved dramatically and my husband eventually did come home.  If it helps, you can read more about how I was able to navigate our separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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