Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you are a wife who is separated and who wants your husband back, you’re likely watching him very closely for signs that he might be wavering on still wanting the separation.  One sign that wives feverishly watch out for is whether or not their husband misses them.  Understandably, they think that this is very important.  Because if he misses them, then he may want to cut the separation short and reconcile.

However, looking for this sign is not as easy as one might think.  Sometimes, husbands try very hard to keep their feelings close to the vest or they posture, in the hopes that you won’t know what they’re truly feeling.  Because of this, some wives become frustrated and so they directly ask their husband if he misses them, and if so, how much.  Sometimes though, the wives have doubt when he answers yes, because although his words indicate that he’s missing his wife, his actions say otherwise.

A wife might explain it this way: “one of my best friends was separated from her husband last year.  They had big issues to overcome and her husband was extremely angry with her.  But once they actually separated, he found that he missed her desperately and so he ended the separation right away.  To me, it appears that if your husband misses you, a lot of the other issues fall away.  So now that I am separated, I desperately want to see some signs that my husband misses me as much as I miss him.  But I am not seeing any signs, to be honest with you.  Every time we talk, I am the one to call him.  Anytime we hug or touch in any way, I am the one who initiates it.  He’s never said ‘I love you’ or ‘I miss you’ and when I say those things, he either smiles or nods, but he doesn’t agree with me.  The other day, I was so frustrated with this that I just finally blurted out ‘do you miss me at all?’  My husbands’ response was ‘of course I miss you, but there is a lot going on right now.’ And then he abruptly changed the subject.  I know that I should be relieved by this conversation.  I got the answer that I wanted.  But I’m not. I just got the vibe that I shouldn’t completely believe him.  He’s not a man who acts like he misses his wife.”

I understand why you feel that you absolutely need this information.  I used to watch my husband very closely for the same signs.  And although I never had the courage to come out and ask him if he missed me, I suspect that if he were being honest, his answer at the time would have been no.

And yet, we did eventually reconcile and we are still married today. I think he probably decided he missed me somewhere along the way and kept it to himself.  But our eventual reconciliation moved within his own timeline and not my own.  You can’t force someone to miss you.  And if you try to make it happen in an unnatural or forceful way, you may get the opposite of what you want.

Many Tactics To Make Him Miss You Backfire: I learned the hard way that the tactics I was using previously to inspire him miss me – appearing needy, telling him how much I missed him, and recounting how hard it was for me to manage on my own – accomplished exactly the opposite of what I wanted.  Rather than missing me, he was relieved to be away.

I think that this is a situation where the harder you try, the more you risk getting what you don’t want.  Instead, it’s better to present yourself as the type of person that he would just naturally miss – so much so that you do not need to ask.  For example, if the two of you are regularly having fun and laughing while you are together, then he is just naturally going to miss you when you’re not around.  You won’t have to force the issue and it will feel more genuine to him.

Creating The Atmosphere That Will Make Him Feel The Void When You’re Not Around: I have found that one of the keys to this whole thing is to try to keep things low key and casual.  Because you don’t want for things to feel forced when you are together.  And when you are demanding to know if he misses you and so obviously hanging on his answer, that is not a low key, low pressure situation.  And he is less likely to give you the answer you want.

Frankly, there’s a good chance that he misses you without your needing to press the issue.  Because anytime you are as close as married couples and live so closely together, you are just bound to feel that void when something changes.  It is natural. And it happens without your needing to do much.  Sometimes though, your husband resists these feelings, doesn’t notice them, or he thinks that they don’t matter as much as the issues that are separating you in the first place.

Although your friend said that her husband missing her negated their issues, I suspect that her version isn’t the whole story. Because if you don’t fix the issues, they reappear and cause problems regardless of how much you miss each other.  Missing each other is usually not all that is needed to reconcile, although it is reassuring.

I don’t think that you need to doubt that he is telling you the truth.  He may still have doubts, or he may just want to move slowly.  But it is better to try to control the interactions between you so that he can’t help but miss you than to worry so much about forcing it on him.

Believe me, I learned this the hard way.  The more I pushed my husband during our separation (and demanded answers)  the harder it was for him to relate to me.  We almost divorced because of it. It took a while before the light bulb went off in my head and I changed strategies.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin