Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I hear from wives who indicate that they are doing all of the heavy lifting to keep their marriage afloat or to save it. Many times, a husband will swear that he doesn’t want a divorce and that he’s willing to do whatever is necessary to save or preserve the marriage. But then when it comes right down to it, he doesn’t really change his behaviors or make all that much of an effort.

A wife might say in part: “we started having serious marital problems last year. For a while, it looked as if we might separate or get a divorce. We were both unhappy and I told my husband that I didn’t want to continue to live in an unhappy and tension-filled situation. He agreed with me and told me he would help me to work on the marriage. I expressly told him I needed more of his attention and time. I wasn’t feeling appreciated, heard, or understood. He told me that he would work hard to fix our issues and I committed to the same. But now, several months later, nothing really has changed. We’re still sort of like roommates who go out our way not to argue too much for the sake of our kids, but there isn’t a lot of love or passion there. He hasn’t put in the effort that he promised me. I still don’t want to live this way. And since he’s apparently not willing to lift a finger, it looks like nothing will be different in our future. What can I do?”

This scenario is so common. Often to keep the peace, your husband will promise you that he’ll do whatever you need for him to do to preserve or save the marriage. But his behavior and efforts fall far short of what you were hoping to see. Contrary to what many wives think, this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you or that he’s not interested in your marriage. It often means that although he might be sincere in what he’s telling you, he just doesn’t know how to carry out his promises or he’s well outside of his comfort zone or expertise. But neither of these things needs to mean that you have to give up on your marriage. You can often coax him to make more of an effort without him even realizing what you are doing.

How To Make Your Husband Put In The Effort To Save Or Improve Your Marriage (Without Him Even Realizing It:) One thing that you need to understand is that when your husband is picturing “working” on your marriage or “putting in the effort” toward your marriage, he is probably not picturing things that are all that appealing to him. He probably thinks that you want him to get all emotional and share his deepest, darkest feelings. And the idea of this probably ranks right up there with a root canal to him.

So understand that getting him to put in the effort is often all in how you package or sell this idea to him. Sometimes, this means that you start by being the one to take the initiative. I know that this isn’t entirely fair, but sometimes going first is worth getting what you truly want. Other times, you might need to ease him into the process. Delay the heavy discussions and the more concentrated conflict for when you are bonding and connecting once again. In the early stages of saving your marriage, you might consider taking the difficult conversations off of the table for a while. Meet him in the middle. What I mean by that is that sometimes, you will gain more ground if you go with him to his favorite sporting event and share a couple of hot dogs than you will be sitting for hours in a therapist’s office, at least in the beginning when he is still resistant.

Slowly work up to the point where he’s more comfortable and less resistant. You have to crawl before you can walk. Don’t ask for too much too soon. And make the process one that he’s comfortable getting behind. For example, if he knows that you want to reconnect and improve your marriage because you miss being physically intimate with him on a very regular basis, then you are much more likely to get this enthusiastic cooperation because he sees that this saving the marriage stuff means he’s going to get more of what HE wants.

Saving a marriage is a process and both people don’t always see it in the same way. But what you should not do is set it up so that you are on opposing sides with your husband. You want for him to feel as if you are on his side. You want to set it up so that you can praise him rather than remind him of his shortcomings. Because once he understands that saving your marriage doesn’t need to be painful and will get him more of what he wants, he is so much more likely to show you the behaviors that you have been waiting for all along. Don’t make him feel like a failure or the man who has left you down. Make him feel like he’s your hero that is rising to the occasion. (even if you have to lower and then slowly raise your standards as he continues to make progress.)

The whole idea is to move slowly and to set it up so that neither of you is having to make huge sacrifices, but both of you are enjoying yourselves and feeling like you are seeing some progress. Now, progress to you might mean feeling emotionally connected, while progress to him means a physical connection along with fewer discussions about how he has let you down. Whatever it is that is important to your husband should be important to you and vice verse. Praise him for every effort that you see so that he will want to please you and keep right on with the process until your marriage is back to where you want it to be.

I had to learn these tips the hard way when I was trying to save my own marriage. When I was trying to get my husband to put in the effort, I wasn’t using any positive reinforcement and this only got me less of what I wanted. It wasn’t until I showed him what was in it for him that I got him on board. If it helps, you can read the story of how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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