Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: In a perfect world and in a semi-perfect marriage, our spouse would value and prioritize us before anyone else. After all, didn’t we vow to forsake all others? However, it’s not at all unusual for me to hear from people who feel that their spouse cares about another group of people more than their spouse. It’s very common for this complaint to involve extended family – with parents and siblings being the most common.

Someone might complain about a situation like this one: “it became clear to me very quickly that I was not the most important person in my husband’s life. This happened only a couple of months after our marriage. When his sister started a new business, he gave her the money we had saved for a home. When his parents moved to live in a retirement community, we actually moved and followed them. It is like my husband can not bear for it to be just us. We eat dinner with them every Sunday. We go to the movies with them once a week. When I complain, my husband acts like I’m just being petty. He will get all indignant and say ‘but they are my family.’ And I will tell him that I am his family, too. If there is something that I want to do, it is not going to happen unless he does not have an obligation with his family. Sometimes, I get the vibe that his mother doesn’t like me and that she is really possessive of her son. She’s very smug about this, as if I will never win if I make my husband choose between the two of us. I wish we could all coexist happily, but I feel like second best all of the time. The last time I complained, my husband said that maybe his is not the family for me. He said that maybe I would be happier if we were separated or divorced so that I did not have to deal with his family. Having him draw the line like this was not my intention, but every once in a while, I would like to feel that I am most important to him – at least some of the time.”

I understand what you are saying and feeling. Everyone wants to feel as if they are deeply valued and that their feelings are considered. But when you feel as if your feelings come dead last, it’s normal to feel hurt and frustrated. At the same time, I can tell that you already suspect that drawing a line in the sand is a recipe for disaster (and your husband has basically told you as much by hinting about a separation.) If you are not really close to your family, it may be hard for you to imagine someone asking you to choose between them and your family. But if you can, try to imagine it. Your husband has known his family and been very close to them for all of his life. Asking him to change that or (even to begin to cut that off) isn’t likely to be well received.

Ideally, you want him to feel close to his family WHILE he is also close to you. This isn’t likely to happen if you demand that he cut off his family time or obligations. You have to be careful here, because it is likely that he feels protective of and defensive about his family.  Plus, he’s indicated that your marriage might be on a bit of shaky ground. The ideal is to reach a happy compromise where you feel prioritized and he feels like a good son.

Think about what bothers you the most. Is it the time obligations? The weekly get togthers? Is it that you feel like he cares about their feelings and expectations more than yours? It’s important that you define what really bothers you the most. Because you only want to ask for very specific requests designed to address EXACTLY what is bothering you.  You don’t want to just throw out a bunch of complaints because he will get defensive and tune you out. From your description, it seems that the biggest issue is that you feel that the extended family are impeding on the closeness between your husband and yourself. You want to feel that when you are together, that he is yours and yours alone – at least for some of that time. And that’s completely fair.

You might try something like this: “Honey, I know that your family is very important to you and I promise you that I am not going to try to change that. Your caring about other people’s feeling is one of the traits that makes you a very good person. What I want to address right now is that sometimes, I feel like second best. I feel like you care about their feelings more than mine. It’s not my intention to demand that we never see them or that you don’t care about them. I would never ask that. What I am asking is that we make an effort to make our time together special when it is just the two of us. We have standing times to spend with your family and I understand that. But can we also have standing times when it is just us, when it is just our time? Married couples need to love their extended families, but they also need to be families all unto themselves. Can you work with me on this?”

I think that when you make it clear that you aren’t asking him to choose, he will not have the need to get defensive. You’re also not asking him to shut his parents down. You’re just asking him to also make YOU a priority. This is not an unrealistic request. You’re simply asking for balance. Once he understands that, he might be more willing to make compromises that can make everyone happy.

I think that it would be best to address this sooner rather than later.  Ideally, you want to settle this before he starts talking about moving out or a separation.  It is harder to reconcile your marriage when you aren’t living under the same roof, although it can be done.  I know this because it is what I had to do. If it helps, you can read about how I did it on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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