Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Having your husband tell you that he wants a divorce is right up there with most wives’ worst fears. And for most of us, as soon as we hear those words, we know that we are going to need to spring into action right away to try to change his mind. But what happens when your spouse says “he might want a divorce” and then seems to change his mind repeatedly. This makes it a bit more challenging because you don’t know how bad the situation really is and you’re stuck between wanting to react immediately to thinking that perhaps you should not overreact and only make things worse.

To put this into words, you might hear a wife say: “about three months ago, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. I panicked and I begged him not to do this to us. I told him that we should go to counseling and do everything in our power to save our marriage. He said that he would think about it and he sort of dropped the topic for a while. Needless to say, I was incredibly relieved. And unfortunately for me, I was happy to just drop the subject. So a little time passed and now he is bringing up divorce again. I asked him why he seems to keep changing his mind. He says that he is not really changing his mind. He says that he’s always thinking that we should get divorced but he isn’t always motivated to go through with it because he’s knows that it is going to cause a lot of pain and expense. And that makes him wonder if deep down, he truly wants the divorce after all. I am not sure what to make of this. On the one hand, I am hoping that he keeps right on thinking this way and doesn’t pursue a divorce. On the other hand, I don’t want to just ignore this problem and find myself divorced later. But I am not sure how to address this when he can’t seem to make up his mind. What now?”

I will admit that I am probably prone to overreact in this situation simply because of my own past situation. I knew my husband wasn’t exactly happy and I basically did very little to address it, while hoping for the best. I ended up separated and almost divorced. That is why it would be my inclination to treat this as a situation where you are dealing with a husband who definitely wants a divorce – even if he may not act on it immediate.  You have to accept that he may well act on it in the near future. That way, you do not risk doing nothing and having to deal with an impending divorce later. And if you are wrong, the worst that happens is that you have tried some things which will hopefully improve your marriage.

Determine The Source Of His Unhappiness: The first question to ask yourself is why he wants a divorce. Sometimes, he is very upfront about this. And he will tell you exactly why he wants out.  Other times, he will only speak in general terms and you will have to make an educated guess. I have a lot of people who tell me that they don’t know why their husband wants a divorce because he won’t spell it out. I often ask them why they would guess that he wants a divorce. At first, they might insist that they don’t know. But when I follow up and say “if I could wave a magic wand and suddenly you would have the exact reason that he wants a divorce, what would it be,” you’d be surprised at how many people are able to come up with a very specific reason at that time.

If asking yourself this question doesn’t work, set your timer for ten minutes and then just journal on the topic. Write down every single thing that comes into your head. Go ahead and do this now. Once you’ve written for ten minutes and let your mind roam free, read over what you have written. And then just notice the sensations that you have as you read through. Why? Because often, when you read over the reasons and you hit on the correct reason, you will often have some sort of response. You will likely feel something that makes you know that you have hit on it. This might be discomfort or a sick feeling of dread in your stomach.

Addressing The Core Of His Wanting A Divorce: Once you’ve decided that you might be close to why he wants a divorce, it’s time to address this. You don’t need to panic. You know that he hasn’t filed and has expressed doubt about filing any time soon. So, although you will want to take action in a quick and methodical way, you don’t need to overdo it so that it comes on too strong or it reads false. You don’t want to do anything that makes your husband doubt your sincerity. You don’t want him to think that the change is for nothing more than for you to call him off so that you can eventually go back to the way things were.

Instead, you want for him to know that any changes you make are going to be genuine and lasting. You want him to believe in them because they are true. This way, you will know that when he does change his mind about a divorce, he’s not going to be revisiting this three months from now, because he no longer needs to.

As I alluded to, I tried to delude myself into thinking that my husband’s unhappiness would sort itself out.  It did not.  I ended up separated.  We almost divorced.  That’s why I believe it is best to address what needs to be addressed at the first sign of trouble.  If it helps, you can read the whole story of how my marriage went from nearly dead to revived on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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