Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who feel constantly blamed by their husbands. Many of them will admit that the issues where the husband places the blame DO exist.  They also admit that these problems harm their marriage. Unfortunately, though, the husband refuses to see his part in any of these issues. Instead, he places all of the blame squarely on his wife’s shoulders. Needless to say, this understandably makes her feel attacked and defensive.

She might say, “I’m not going to say that my husband is wrong about the issues that he constantly brings up within our marriage. He is right about many of them. But they are always my fault, at least in his opinion. The blame never lies with him. I feel like I’m always walking around waiting for him to catch me doing something wrong. It’s as if he’s always watching for my mistakes and missteps. I used to try to debate with him when I truly felt that he was being unfair, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. Why does my husband always blame me? It makes me think our marriage is extremely vulnerable and may eventually fail.  Does his twisting things on me mean that we can’t save our marriage?”

I definitely have some theories on this. I know that it hurts to always hear blame coming your way, but I do believe that there is a reason behind it and I do think that there are some things that you can try that might effectively address it, which I will discuss below. I’ll also tell you why there might be a few advantages to this.

Why Your Husband Might Blame You All Of The Time: This might sound awful, but most of the time, people place blame in order to protect their own self-esteem. In general, the more insecure a person is, the more likely they will be to avoid taking responsibility and to try to shift the blame. Some people have a hard time with feeling faulty or inadequate, so they’d rather risk fighting with (or hurting) their spouse instead of hurting their own pride.

Another reason that people tend to blame others is that they don’t have the coping skills to handle a problem in another, more productive way. Blaming can also become a dangerous and destructive habit that a person can fall into. This means that your spouse is less likely to face conflict in a healthy way because he’s used to deflecting.  The longer this issue goes on, the harder it is to break the habit.

The Unexpected Plus Side Of Blame: This may sound odd, but there is an upside to all of this blame. Many marriages are at risk because the people in them refuse to see or address a problem. This is clearly not an issue for your husband. He is able to identify and acknowledge the problems – which is actually a positive thing – but he doesn’t yet know how to take any responsibility for them. Many people who are blamers are actually looking for improvement in their relationships, which is also a positive thing. However, unfortunately, the way that they are identifying the problem and seeking improvement through blaming is actually destructive and may have the opposite effect. Here is one other positive thing to consider – a person who blames is still invested in the relationship and still must care about it. If he didn’t, then he simply wouldn’t say anything because he would be indifferent.

How To Handle The Blaming: Handling this correctly can be very delicate. Because if you just hit back at your husband or demand that he abruptly stop the blaming, he might just shut down, and then you would no longer know what is bothering him. The better way is to try to flip the blaming into something that is productive. You don’t want to ignore the blaming. If you ignore it, he will just keep on doing it. So you do want to address it, but you want to take the power and destructiveness out of it. You want to neutralize it.

For example, let’s say your husband gets a bill in the mail and then blames you for overspending. You know that you didn’t overspend and that you actually bought necessities for the home. Instead of getting angry or defensive, you could calmly say, “I’m glad you brought that up so that we don’t have misunderstandings about this. Let’s grab the statement and go over it line by line and I’ll explain what I purchased and why.  I’ll also show that for each item, I actually got a good deal.” Your husband may begrudgingly sit down, but when you show him that you bought needed items, he may quickly cool down. When the conversation is over, you’ve worked together and you may feel closer to him and vice verse. You may have to do this repeatedly and overtime to get him out of the habit of blaming. But each time you take the wind out of his sails, you take the bite out of the blaming. You show him that there really is no incentive to continue on in this way. And you teach him that there are better ways to solve your problems than by placing the blame.

So yes, I think that your marriage can still be saved if you learn how to effectively flip this. Many issues can be overcome in this way.  Unfortunately, it took a marriage separation for me to learn this for myself.  I was able to save my marriage, but it would have been better to avoid separating in the first place, which is why I’d suggest addressing BOTH the blame AND the legitimate complaints that both you and your husband may have.  You can read more about our reconciliation my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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