Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: In today’s society, verbal talk is being phased out. I am not saying that to be overly dramatic. I am saying that because I firmly believe it’s true. My grandmother and my mother are about the only people I know who don’t have text or email accounts. They pick up the phone when they want to talk to me, but they are the only ones from whom I’ve never received some sort of electronic communication instead of a phone call. Even our kids will text us instead of call us. Our boss will send us an email rather than calling us into the office. Because of this, the ability to carry on a verbal conversation is on the decline. This is even true in our marriages. I know this because I get an awful lot of correspondence from people who say that they feel that their marriage is in real trouble because they and their spouse don’t talk anymore and this lack of verbal communication has become a real void. They worry about what this might mean for their marriage. Here is just one example.

I am paraphrasing, but a wife might say something like: “my husband and I do not ever talk anymore, not really. Last month, my husband told me that he missed the closeness that we used to have and that he would like for us to have date nights a couple of times per month. I agreed to this. But for the most part, it has been disastrous. We sit there and just sort of stare at one another. We make comments about other people in the restaurant or we gossip about celebrities we don’t know, which is ridiculous. It is worse small talk than I might engage with someone on a train. It’s awful. We didn’t always have this problem. The first time we talked on the telephone, we talked for hours. There were no pauses. We couldn’t talk enough. Of course, once we got to know one another, the talks that lasted for hours because less and less, but we never had trouble communicating until just recently. Sometimes, my husband will say that all we talk about is the kids and he will declare all talks of kids to be off limits. The problem is that we have nothing else to talk about. We used to talk about our hopes and dreams, but now that I am fully an adult, I don’t really have those anymore. I live in reality. I have discussed this with some of my friends and they have told me that I’m worrying too much about this. They told me that after our while, this is what happens in normal marriages. Are they right? Should I worry about this?”

I can only tell you my opinion. Although I never want to encourage anyone to worry needlessly, I would encourage you to pay close attention to this and to work toward change. Why? Because a reoccurring theme that I see in people who cheat and have affairs is that they will say that they could talk to the other person whom they cheated with. Talking, really talking, is the cornerstone of intimacy. When you lose that in your marriage, you leave an opening for someone else to enter your marriage.

And even if this does not happen, you leave an opening for the happiness level of your marriage to take a sharp decrease. You deserve better and so does your spouse. So do your children — because you don’t want to model a marriage without meaningful conversation.

However, with all of this said, I don’t want for you to feel that this is your fault or something that you aren’t doing correctly. In a sense, your friend is right in her assertion that this has become “normal.” But it’s not healthy. In a world of written communication and social media, we’ve lost our skill at verbal communication, even with those that we love the most. You have to be determined to hold onto this skill or to get it back when you have lost it.

And if you have children, this can be compounded. And this too, is not your fault. Part of being a good parent is discussing child rearing with your child’s father. It’s natural, normal, and good. But before you know it, this can start to be the sole topic of conversation, which isn’t optimal in terms of your marriage.

So what can you do? You fight to get the communication and the intimacy back. You set aside time to rebuild. Your husband has told you very directly that he is aware of this void and that he misses you. He’s even begun demanding that you set aside time for kid-free communication. I know that this may seem like a reflection on you, but it’s really good news because it means that he’s willing to focus on fixing this also.

People often get discouraged when getting the communication back seems so hard. They will have a couple of awkward and difficult conversations and they will worry that the spark isn’t there and isn’t ever coming back. This doesn’t have to be true. It takes work to regain any lost skill. This is no different. You have to work at it and you have to keep at it even when it’s difficult.

There are books and even board games that give you topics of conversation to have with your spouse. This can seem cheesy, but try it. You basically draw a card and it will give you a prompt in which to have a conversation. For example, it might ask you to discuss a certain childhood memory or name your favorite emotion and discuss it. Basically, it is just stimulating a conversation. It may feel forced at first but when you keep going, you’ll often find that the conversation is spontaneous and you’re both laughing, which is when you realize that it has all been worth the effort.

But to answer the question, this lack of verbal communication can be “normal” in today’s society, but that doesn’t mean it’s optimal. It can really damage your marriage or leave it vulnerable, which is why I encourage you to address it.

I’m certainly not an expert, but I honestly believe that communication can be the first to go in a marriage in decline.  Address it now so that you don’t have bigger problems later.  I wish I’d taken my own advice.  Ignoring these nagging little problems eventually lead to a separation. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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