Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who don’t quite understand why their spouse wants to file for a divorce. They often firmly believe that there is a still a lot of love between them. In fact, they often believe this so deeply that they force an admission out of their spouse. Still, their spouse admits to still feeling loving feelings, but holds firm to his wish for a divorce.

I might hear a comment like: “about three months ago, my husband mentioned that he wanted a divorce. I will admit that I panicked and I begged him to reconsider. He said that he would wait a little while. For a couple of months, I did everything that I could to make my husband happy. I tried to be upbeat and positive. I tried to make sure that we had a lot of fun. And yet, last night, my husband once again told me that he wanted a divorce. At this point, I demanded to know what was truly wrong. Because I am pretty certain that my husband is very much in love with me. I can tell by the way that he looks at me and the attention that he gives me. At first, my husband didn’t want to discuss this topic. But eventually, he admitted that yes, he is still in love with me, but he said that he wanted a divorce anyway. He said that he feels like being married to me ages and drains him. He says that I always pressure him about making more money and being more successful. He says that I am never satisfied with anything. He says that he doesn’t think that we are truly compatible about what we want out of life. He is content to live simply and I want more. He says that he will always love me, but that he no longer wants to be married to me. I really don’t understand this. If you love someone, shouldn’t you be willing to do whatever is necessary to make sure that things work out? How can I make him understand this?”

Sometimes, He’s Not Evaluating The Love: I intimately understood this wife’s situation. I believe that my husband and I still had a core of love between us, even as we were separated. But my husband didn’t feel that this love was enough. And as a result, he moved out and we were separated and were on the brink of divorce. And frankly, the feelings that we had for one another didn’t matter all that much to my husband at the time. All that he could see was the fact that being married to me was not making him happy. The way that he saw it, once he discarded me and his married life, he would suddenly become a happy, carefree person. I honestly didn’t believe this at the time and I still don’t.

However, after making many mistakes, I finally realized that my husband wasn’t basing his desire to be on his feelings for me. He was basing them on what he perceived his life would be like without me and he was comparing this to how he perceived his future life with me. He honestly believed that his lifestyle and happiness level was going to increase once our marriage ended. So, I had to show him that I could change some key aspects to our relationship so that it would be possible for him to be happier with me than he would be without me.

Working On What Might Change His Mind: This meant that while we were separated, I had to work on some aspects of myself. And that when we were together, I had to gradually work on some aspects of my marriage. These changes had to be gradual so that my husband would believe in them and so that I could maintain them. I hesitate to tell you that love isn’t enough. I do believe this myself. But I can tell you that many husbands who comment on my blog believe that your level of unhappiness can outweigh your level of love in this situation.

A person is only going to stay in a situation that they feel is to their detriment for so long. Your job then, is to show him with your actions instead of your words that you can change the situation so that his is no longer so unhappy. Many wives will make the mistake of trying to fall back on the feelings. They will tell their husband that they know that he still loves them and they are sure that he is going to miss them. This doesn’t work very often because your husband is already well aware of his feelings and he has chosen to act anyway.

Instead, you’ll often have the most success by understanding that while the feelings are still there, the ideal situation is not. It’s best for you to understand what is making him so unhappy and then addressing that. Because if you have both the love and the fulfilling marriage, then he has much less of an incentive to want a separation or a divorce.

As I alluded to, I had to use a very gradual and methodical approach myself.  I had to embrace what was working and I had to discard what wasn’t.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin