Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Few things land harder than hearing your husband — the man you’ve shared your life, dreams, and history with — say he’s not sure if he wants to be married to you anymore. Just like that, your world is turned upside down, and the world you thought you knew is now spinning off its axis.

You may have sensed something was off. Maybe he’d grown more distant, less affectionate, or less engaged in family or couple life. Maybe he’s been irritable, withdrawn, or unusually quiet. And deep down, you knew something was wrong.

But hearing the words out loud — “I don’t know if I want to be married anymore,” or worse, “I’m thinking about a divorce” — can knock the wind right out of you.

If this is where you are right now, I want you to know something. This moment doesn’t necessarily mean the end if you play your cards right.

Yes, this can be serious. I won’t lie to you.  And, yes, it’s painful. But it also may be a turning point — and how you respond right now can have more influence than you think.

Let’s talk through what may be happening beneath the surface, what not to do (even though it might feel tempting), and what steps you can take to give your marriage the best possible chance of surviving — and maybe even thriving again, eventually.

What He Might Really Be Saying (Even If It’s Hard to Hear:) When a husband says he’s unsure about the marriage or mentions divorce, it’s easy to assume he’s completely checked out — that the love is gone and there’s no hope left.

But in many cases, those words don’t mean he’s done with the marriage. They often mean he’s:

• Burnt out from conflict or disconnection,

• Feeling like nothing will change, no matter how much he tries,

• Craving the emotional peace he doesn’t know how to get inside the relationship.

Sometimes, men say, “I don’t think I want to be married anymore,” because they’re looking for space — or because they want their feelings to finally be heard.

It doesn’t mean they’ve stopped caring. It means they’ve hit a wall and don’t see another way forward yet.

This doesn’t mean you should ignore the statement. It’s definitely a cry for change. But it also doesn’t mean you have to panic or believe it’s already over. However, it does mean you need to pay attention. And you need to be very strategic right now.

Why Begging, Chasing, or Over-Explaining Rarely Works:

When you love someone and feel them slipping away, the natural instinct is to grab on and hold tightly.

You might want to:

• Plead with him to reconsider,

• Remind him of your history or the family you built,

• Ask a hundred “why?” questions,

• Reassure him you’ll do anything to make it right.

All of these reactions come from BOTH love and fear, and that’s completely understandable. But in my experience, when a husband is emotionally overwhelmed or leaning toward separation, more pressure often makes him pull away faster. That will just make your job harder in the end.

He’s not looking for emotional intensity right now. He’s looking for relief. And if every conversation feels like a high-stakes, emotionally charged negotiation, he may start to avoid interacting altogether. That means that he may start avoiding you.

That’s why one of the most powerful things you can do right now is to press pause on big emotional conversations — just temporarily — and create space for stability and calmness to return.

What You Can Do That Might Actually Help:

Now that we’ve talked about what not to do, let’s talk about a different — and often more effective — approach.

1. Stay Grounded (Even When You’re Hurting)

I won’t sugarcoat it: hearing your marriage might be ending is terrifying. But your ability to stay calm, warm, and emotionally steady can have a powerful influence on what happens next.

Even if you’re falling apart on the inside, try to interact with him from a place of centered strength. That doesn’t mean being fake or emotionless. It just means resisting the urge to panic or guilt him, and instead showing him that you’re capable of handling this with dignity and grace.

2. Acknowledge His Honesty Without Arguing

As painful as it is to hear, try to acknowledge his honesty instead of immediately disputing it.

You might say something like:

“I won’t pretend that doesn’t hurt to hear. I still value our marriage very much. But I respect your honesty, and I want to take some time to think through how we got here too. We both deserve to be happy and I’m willing to work with you to make that so.”

This kind of response shows emotional maturity — and it often lowers his defenses, making him more likely to open up again later.

3. Begin Quietly Working on the Marriage Without Needing His Permission

Sometimes, women ask, “Why should I work on saving my marriage if he already has one foot out the door?”

The truth is, the best time to start small changes is before both feet are out the door. Even if he’s not open to counseling or doesn’t want to talk about solutions yet, you can still begin improving the marriage environment on your own. This is what I had to do. And it eventually worked.

That might mean:

• Reducing conflict and increasing calmness in interactions,

• Becoming more emotionally self-sufficient (which men often respond positively to),

• Focusing on subtle positive energy rather than obvious persuasion.

You’re not pretending everything’s okay. You’re simply planting seeds of peace and connection that he may begin to notice.

4. Revisit Who You Are in the Relationship

When a marriage starts to fray, it’s easy to lose your sense of self. You become so focused on fixing things or getting back to “how it was” that you forget who you were before things got hard.

Take this time — even in the middle of the uncertainty — to reconnect with your own strength, your own identity, and the things that make you feel confident and whole.

This isn’t about changing for him. It’s about reconnecting with your core so you’re not just reacting to him — you’re living from your own grounded place.

This energy often shifts how he sees you — not as the wife who’s begging him to stay, but as the woman he once fell in love with.

Now, you give yourself permission to take a breath.

You remind yourself that this moment — as painful as it is — doesn’t have to be the final chapter.

You stop scrambling and start steadily shifting.

You protect your peace and dignity while also staying open to quiet reconnection.

You let your husband feel the absence of pressure — and the presence of the woman who still believes in the good that once existed between you.

And you give it time. Because just like cracks form over months or years, healing and reconnection are built one moment, one interaction, one choice at a time.

This may feel like the beginning of the end. But handled with calm intention, it could just be the beginning of a turning point.

You have more influence than you think. And the story isn’t finished yet.

I thought my story was finished with my husband. We were both sure that we would divorce. We almost did. But I found some strategies that worked. You can read about how I finessed this at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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