My Husband Acts Like He Thinks He’s Too Good For Me. He Seems To Think I’m Not Good Enough.
By: Leslie Cane: There are few things quite as upsetting as suspecting that your husband thinks that he is better than you or that he “married down.” It may not have always been this way. He may have once treated you with the highest respect. But somewhere along the way, something changed. And it hurts and makes you wonder about the future of your marriage.
It could be described this way: “I miss the way that my husband used to look at me. I have known my husband since we were children. We used to live in the same neighborhood. His parents actually helped in my upbringing. My mother was a single parent and we always struggled. My husband’s parents helped my mother out all of the time. Because of my mom’s financial situation, I never went to college. My husband has advanced degrees. And he recently got a huge promotion which requires him to entertain people who are important to his career. When he took this promotion, things changed in my marriage. When we are with these people or folks from my husband’s work, it is clear that he is uncomfortable every time I speak. It has gotten to the point where he does not always invite me to come along. I do not think he’s ashamed of my appearance because people compliment that all of the time. But I believe that he is ashamed of my lack of education, which I truly can’t help. I think he’s afraid that I will say something to make him look second best. Sometimes, he corrects me when I misspeak, as if I am stupid. It’s clear that recently, he thinks that he is better than I am. This really hurts me and makes me worry for my marriage. I have tried to talk to my husband about this, but he changes the subject quickly. It has gotten to a point where I just assume that I am not invited to important things involving clients. How can I change this?”
Evaluate: First of all, I think that you want to ask yourself if you are one hundred percent sure that your perception is correct. Sometimes, when people take on new and challenging job responsibilities, they are worried about their own abilities. It is possible that your husband is projecting his own worries onto you, since that is probably easier for him to handle than worrying if he himself is up the task. So his attitude may wrongly be directed toward you when in fact his worries are directed at himself, but he doesn’t want to face up to this just yet.
Project What You Want Others To See: If you are sure that your husband’s projection isn’t the case, then you want to look at how you are projecting yourself. You want to make sure that your head is held high. You did nothing wrong. And you have every bit as much to add to any conversation or gathering as anyone else. Sometimes, our own stance and the way that we carry ourselves shows people how to treat us. When we stand tall, make eye contact, and love ourselves, people will generally follow suit.
If you find that you are having trouble doing this convincingly, then you want to ask yourself why. Is there anything that you lack confidence about? Is it possible that your lack of education bothers you? I find this nothing to be ashamed of. We all place our attention on where it was appropriate at the time. But if it bothers you, then it seems that you’re in a good position to return to school. This might help you radiate some confidence and show your husband that you more than deserve his respect.
Finally, if this continues to bother you, then you may feel better if you speak up. You may try something like: “it really hurts me when you exclude me like this. I may be projecting my own perceptions here, but it almost seems as if you are afraid that I will say something unfortunate around your clients and colleagues. I have shown that I can more than handle myself. And I would never exclude you in the way that you are excluding me. Can you share why you are acting this way? Is it something that I can fix? What can we do to improve this because it’s hurting me and I worry that it is going to affect our marriage.”
He may tell you that he’s just on edge because of his new responsibilities or he may surprise you with some specific concerns. Whatever happens, listen carefully and try to respond accordingly. Because it’s very important for you to feel respected and valued. It’s important that you can fall back on your own self esteem. If you can’t, then now is the time to build yourself up so that you can project the confidence that will command your husband (and every one elses’) respect. Because you deserve nothing less.
This is something that I am constantly working on. I think that self confidence is one of the most important aspects of a solid marriage. Loving myself and knowing that I am valuable very much affects the way my husband approaches and treats me. I firmly believe this to be true. It is something that I have to actively work on. All of the time. But it is worth it. You can read more about how I transformed my own marriage after a marital separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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