Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who notice a distinct difference from the way that their husband used to approach them and their marriage in the past with the way that he approaches those things now and in the present. They sometimes feel as if they used to have an enthusiastic husband who enjoyed being married to them. But today, they worry that he is now a distant, cold, husband who is only going through the motions and who, deep down, no longer wants to be married. And of course, this can make you wonder what your life, and your marriage, is going to look like five years from now if this is actually the case.

As an example, I have gotten comments on my blog like: “when my husband and I first got married, it was like living in paradise. We didn’t have a lot of money. But we loved being together. We didn’t need to do anything exciting to be happy. Just going to the grocery store together was enough for us. My husband used to leave me little notes all around the house. He used to wash and then braid my hair for me. He would remember my favorite things and then find an occasion to buy them for me. Even though these are very happy memories for me, when I look back now, it just makes me sad. Because that reality is so different than the reality we have today. Last weekend, we were at a party with our neighbors. My husband talked to every one but me. I met a couple who had just moved in down the street and the wife actually asked me how long my husband and I had been separated. She assumed that we were separated because we rarely talked or interacted and I guess our body language was formal and cold around one another. Since that party, I have started to watch closely. And I can see why this woman thought that about us. My husband acts like I annoy him. He will take every opportunity to go out with his friends rather than to go home to me. I even heard him make a joke about marriage to one of his friends. This is a far cry from the man who used to tell me how happy I made him on a daily basis and who used to tell me that he was the luckiest man in the world. He certainly doesn’t seem to think he’s lucky now. I’m afraid that he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore. If so, where does that leave me?”

I know that this hurts. I have been in this place. But, I believe that it can be a mistake to assume that there is a major problem until you have more information. I concede that many signs seem to be there that might indicate that the husband wasn’t completely happy. But, his marriage does not necessarily need to be the complete source of his unhappiness. He could be stressed from work. He could be unhappy with his lifestyle. Or, he could be going through depression caused from something else. None of these things necessarily mean that he doesn’t love his wife or that he doesn’t want to be married. However, because his wife and his marriage are very close to him, then obviously this unhappiness is going to affect his marriage and be visible in it. So, I think that it makes sense to try a few different things or to obtain more information before you assume that he’s plotting his escape because he doesn’t want to be married to you.

Look Closely To See If You Can Pinpoint Alternative Culprits: My first suggestion is very basic, but you’d be surprised how many of us don’t attempt it. It’s so common for us to automatically assume that the problem is with us. If you don’t feel ready to ask your husband what is wrong, take the time to do a little detective work. Watch him closely. Ask him about work, or his extended family, or anything else that could be the cause of his unusual behavior. Sometimes, it’s actually a relief to him to get it out and you might notice a drastic improvement from this one simple step.

Try To Bring A Sense Of Play Back Into Your Marriage: Our society today is very hard on marriage. There are more demands of our time and it’s not really socially embraced to want to spend most of that precious time with your spouse. It seems that there is always some pressure that is trying to pull a couple apart. And there are so many stressors that can chip away at your marriage over time. It’s very common for couples who have been together for a long time to notice that their marriage doesn’t even resemble what it used to be. Still, those couples are committed to and love one another. And, one thing that can help with all of the outside stressors and with the passage of time is to bring back a sense of play into your marriage. Perhaps going to the grocery store isn’t as exciting today. It was exciting then because it was new. But, nothing says that you can’t explore new experiences together. People so often get into slumps and when they do they begin to think that nothing in their life is going the way that it should. When this happens, it’s easy for them to project this onto your marriage. But playing together disrupts this process.

If You Feel It Would Help, Talk About It: Not every husband is going to be receptive to having a blunt conversation about this, but some are. If you think that it might help, you could try something like: “honey, I can’t help but notice that you’ve seemed to be a bit upset and maybe a little distracted lately. I could be wrong and if I am, then tell me, but it seems as if you are frustrated more lately. Is there anything going on that I can help with?”

He may or may not open up. If he’s not ready, or if he denies that anything is wrong, just wait and continue to be supportive and continue trying to bring back that sense of play. Sometimes, he just needs a little time to process this before opening up. But bringing your attention to this is important.  I didn’t pay attention to my own husband’s unhappiness and it lead to a separation, that was eventually resolved. If it helps, feel free to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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