Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are disappointed to observe that their husband actually seems happier with life once their marital separation has begun.  Many of them hoped or assumed that both of them would be miserable without one another and, as a result, the husband would come home sooner rather than later.  But sometimes, the opposite happens and when it does, it can be quite frustrating.  I heard from our wife who said “my husband actually seems giddy since we separated.   Every time I talk to him, he sounds happy and settled.  He laughs and makes light of the whole situation like this is a big joke.  He talks as if he is having this great new adventure and it nearly breaks my heart.  If he’s as happy as he seems, does this mean that he’s going to want a divorce?  Does this mean that he’s happier without me than with me?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

His Initial Happiness Is Not Always An Indication That Your Marriage Is Over:  There’s no denying that the initial days after a separation begins can provide a sense of relief.  Often, tensions have been running so high in the days leading up to one of you leaving (even temporarily) that when this finally happens, it can be like the worst is over and you can let out a small sigh of relief.   So sometimes, his happiness is a direct result of this.  And in these cases, the “newness” of his feelings of relief and freedom will often give way to loneliness eventually.  Of course, every person and situation is different.  But once the novelty wears off, this new found quiet will often just seem boring and isolating.  And this is when you will often begin to see a change in his attitude.  But until that happens, you need to figure out how you are going to react in the meantime.  This leads me to my next point.

How To Act When Your Husband Seems To Be Happy During The Separation:  I know that it’s very tempting to want to bring him down or rain on his parade.  After all, it’s very upsetting to see him so happy while you are so miserable.   But consider this.   You can’t possibly know what he is actually feeling inside or what he might feel in the future.  And if you confront him or ask why in the world he is so happy, he’s likely to become defensive or just want to avoid you.  So, in my experience and opinion, your best bet is to try to fight fire with fire and be as upbeat as you possibly can.  Try to focus on creating more happiness in your own life so that when you do interact, it’s not obvious that one of you is happy and adjusting and one of you is not.  It will help your cause if you can try to portray yourself as someone who is coping and who is as content as can be reasonably expected.

Understand Your Real Goal:  Some wives in this situation think that their goal is to wipe the smile off of their husband’s face or to make him think that they too are happier separated.  I would argue that these aren’t the best goals to have.  Instead, you want to be happy and upbeat so that you are increasing the chances that eventually, you can be happy together.   You don’t want a situation where the both of you are appearing to be happy alone.  You want a situation where you are able to get together regularly and be happy together.  The goal is that things go so well, that you want to see each other on a regular basis and eventually, you want to be together all of the time so that this will motivate your husband to move back home.

To the extent you can, combine your own plans for happiness with his.  Suggest that the two of you get together on a relatively regular basis and try not to question your husband so much about his emotions that you sound accusatory.  You want to portray confidence that his happiness doesn’t mean that he’s moved on since you are meant to be together and work things out.  You don’t want to give off the impression that your are threatened by his happiness.  Instead, you want him to think that since you love him and strive to have a healthy marriage, his happiness is your happiness.

I know that the uncertainty of a separation can cause a great deal of stress, but understand that things aren’t always what they seem and you truly don’t know what the future holds.  You don’t want to create a situation where the two of you are on opposing sides or where your husband thinks he can’t show his true feelings around you.

My husband did seem really happy right after he moved out and this broke my heart.  In fact, his happiness threatened me so much that I reacted very badly and made my situation worse because my husband didn’t want to be around me.  It took my awhile to undo the damage.  We did eventually save our marriage but it took a lot of planning and strategy on my part.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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