Leslie Cane Articles

One of the biggest potential impacts of a marital separation is the loss of physical intimacy. Although some spouses feel a deep emotional connection while separated, physical contact can be lacking. Many couples live separately during the separation. Others chose to keep a physical distance. This void can cause you to crave physical contact.

A wife might explain, “I miss physical intimacy with my separated husband. I am unsure of how to address this. I am not even talking about sex. I am talking about handholding and hugs. I miss sitting by someone at dinner or while watching television. I miss back rubs. And I miss his physical presence. How do I cope with this?”

The Risk Of “Skin Hunger” During Your Separation: I know that what mental health counselors call “skin hunger” can be a very serious issue during a trial separation. I experienced this myself. Experts believe that skin hunger can cause negative behaviors and conditions like anxiety, aggression, and sadness. Very few people do not feel this void.

Fulfilling The Need For Physical Intimacy During Your Separation: Since I’ve hopefully established that skin contact is vital to your emotional and physical well-being, how does one fulfill this need when separated?

Very carefully, but very deliberately. Chances are, you have family members and platonic friends that you can hug, sit near, or elicit back rubs from. This group may be comprised of your children, your parents, or your best friend.

Another option is to get regular massages. Yes, I’m talking about paying a licensed therapist to give you a professional massage. I realize that this will require time and money. But physical touch is that important. Even better, a massage can help to release some of the tension that many of us hold during our separations. Massage can be helpful in many ways.

One more suggestion is to give some attention to a beloved animal in your life. If you don’t already have a pet, borrow one or volunteer at a shelter. Volunteering is a wonderful idea during a marital separation. It can ease your loneliness and make you feel useful. Petting an animal offers both physical touch and stress release.

When Physical Touch Is Possible With Your Spouse: Some couples take physical intimacy off of the table while they are separated. They do this because they assume that it is not a good idea or that physical closeness is “not allowed.” In truth, couples get to make their own rules.

However, it pays to be careful. Physical touch from my own spouse was very confusing to me early in my separation. I would always hope that it meant a reconciliation, which only frustrated my husband. As a result, he stopped touching me.

Later, we did resume some physical contact when we began to reconnect. However, I always cautioned myself that this touch represented an improvement, not a reconciliation. In my opinion, as long as you are able to make this distinction, physical intimacy can be appropriate as long as neither spouse feels confused or used.

I’m often asked if it’s okay to have sex while separated. I hesitate to endorse this because many couples feel confused or conflicted afterward. However, if you are both open, clear, and at peace about what the sex means, then this is your marriage and your choice.

Some couples avoid sex but continue to hug or hold hands. Others draw the line at open displays of affection but continue to sit close together or enjoy each other’s physical proximity. After all, this is your spouse. It is natural to seek closeness with him. He is your partner. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel intimate with him as long as doing so doesn’t make matters worse.

Avoid Scratching This Itch With Another Romantic Relationship: Some couples take sex or very intimate contact off of the table during their separation. Sometimes this is a mutual decision. Other times, it is not. If contact with your spouse is not an option, avoid seeking it from alternate romantic partners. Adding another person into the mix is never a good idea. Doing so just makes a bad situation worse. Likewise, do not cross any boundaries will opposite-sex friends or co-workers. Realize that you are particularly vulnerable right now and do everything in your power to avoid making this mistake.

I know that skin hunger stinks. I know that it feels like an itch you cannot scratch. But hopefully, it is only temporary. In the meantime, find appropriate and healthy ways to meet this need. Do everything you can to improve yourself and your marriage. And, when you do find yourself in a position to enjoy unlimited physical intimacy with your spouse, enjoy each and every second.  If it helps, you can read about how I eventually got with the program and reconciled with my own husband here: http://isavedmymarriage.com Hopefully, it will help you avoid the mistakes I made so that you can reconcile more quickly.

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