Leslie Cane Articles

I hear from many newly-separated wives who have been married for over twenty-five years. Many never saw the separation coming. They truly believed that they were happily settled, but then one day their husband announced that he wanted a break or separation. Many of these wives are fairly certain (and some know for sure) that part of the husband’s motivation comes from his desire to pursue a younger woman.

Someone might explain, “my husband is in his late 50’s. He has always been rock-solid. I have always been able to trust him completely. We had so many plans to travel during our retirement. We were both thrilled when he got a huge promotion at work because this would mean that we’d have more financial flexibility as we age. Well, my husband has decided to put off retirement and put off our marriage. He says he likes having more work responsibilities and challenges. And because he is more invested in his work, he seems to be less invested in our marriage. He now believes that we should ‘take a break.’ He’s not calling it a separation, but that’s exactly what it is. He plans to find an apartment close to his office. He denies that there is anyone else, but, coincidentally, he’s now spending much more time with a female colleague. And, here’s a huge surprise. She is much younger than me. I can’t believe that this is happening. This behavior is unlike my husband. And I’m not the only one. I have several friends who have gone through this. Why is this happening?”

Psychologists have many theories about the rise of “silver separations” in mid-life after a long and happy marriage. I will go over some of these theories below in the hopes that this will give you an idea of what you are dealing with and how to best handle it.

Men Are Entering The Top Of Their Earning Capabilities And The End Of Their Parenting: Many mental health specialists notice a correlation with men entering “the top of their game” professionally and then leaving their wives. Many of these men suddenly see a very bright financial future and therefore attract the attention of young female co-workers who are eager to please and climb the corporate ladder.

Not coincidentally, these men are also often at a time in their lives when their children are leaving home or heading off to college or to their own careers. Therefore, the husband may feel less of an obligation to “stay the course” for the sake of this family.

We Are Increasingly Living In A Me-First Society: There’s a reason that “selfies” are currently a thing. Partly due to social media, we have become a very “look at me” society. The individual is seen as very important – and sometimes as more important than the family. There is less shame in just wanting to be individually happy – whatever the cost. This is one reason our society embraces the phrase “YOLO” or “you only live once.”

If a man is a parent, he can definitely begin to ask, “when will it be my turn to focus on myself and my own contentment?” And these kinds of questions can send him well on his way toward individual thinking, without considering his spouse or his family’s wishes or needs.

Comparing Himself To Others Can Spell Disaster: Staying on the topic of social media and an “oversharing” society, this type of voyeur atmosphere makes it very easy for people to compare their lives and level of contentment with “friends.” Most of us know intellectually that many of the content that people post on social media is meant to convey a carefully crafted image. In reality, sometimes this image is very untrue or fake. Most of us fall for it anyway, though. It becomes easy to think that everyone is happier than you are. Sadly, many husbands uproot their lives for these mistaken beliefs. They chase a fantasy that never existed in the first place.

Some Of These Husbands Come Back: Believe it or not, some of these husbands do eventually come home with their tail between their legs. I have a male friend who did this and when I asked him why he made such an out-of-character decision, his response to me was, “There’s no fool like an old fool.” I know that this implies he’s using his age to justify his actions. But in truth, I think that he was trying to tell me that he was fully aware that he was quite stupid in both his thoughts and his behavior and he realized that aging brings up certain vulnerabilities that many people do not have in their youth.

When the husband does come back, the man can struggle to explain his behavior while the wife may struggle to trust him again. Both responses are understandable. If it’s any consolation, the husbands who do return are often very guarded in their behaviors afterward because, like my friend, they are embarrassed and they do feel like a silly old fool. So while the experience was probably awful, the husband can sometimes be very considerate during recovery because he is genuinely remorseful.

Of course, some husbands never come back. And those that do not often choose to keep believing that they have every right to take action to upgrade their life, (even if they mistakingly think it was an upgrade.) These husbands are so far gone that they do not care how high the cost of this change is or how much it is going to hurt others.

Unfortunately, some wives have to wait to see which category that their husband will fall into. Until then, take care of yourself. Make self-care and compassion your highest priority. Spend your time with people who value you. Focus on those parts of your life that do not include your husband. He must know that you are not waiting around on him because you believe yourself to deserve less. You do not. It’s not your fault that he’s going through this identity crisis. And there is no reason to let it his attitude become your own.

I know that all of this is easier said than done.  I struggled greatly during my own separation.  I had to force myself to let my friends surround me with love.  But friends and family were lifesavers.  My husband eventually did come around, but interestingly, he was much more interested in me when I toned down my interest in him.  You can read that whole story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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