Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I hear from a lot of separated wives (and occasionally husbands too,) who are looking for hope that their marriage can be saved.  Many are researching what it takes to save a marriage and are looking for inspirational stories of couples who have actually done this.  Often, they are looking for a common thread or a common theme that runs through these saved marriages.  Because they are looking to compare their own against them to see if it stands a chance.

I understand the inclination to do this because I did it also.  However, I’d like to offer a word of caution.  Many people do this little searching expedition and come away thinking that only the most loving and committed couples save their marriages.  And of course, this belief causes discouragement.  Because at the moment, this description might not be applicable to your marriage.

I’d like to reassure you that not all couples who save their marriages are loving, committed, or even remotely determined at the time.  Many are reluctant, doubtful, and very noncommittal.  So while it’s absolutely fine to look for themes or commonalities,  I don’t want any of the research to make you discouraged.  The truth is, ALL types of couples can (and do) save their marriages.  Below, I will list some common themes that I see in the hopes that you will see what I mean.

At Least One Person Was Willing To Delay Action And To Not Act Swiftly:  Honestly, sometimes both spouses go into a separation having doubts about the marriage.  Both spouses can think that divorce is definitely in the future. But it only takes one person to think: “OK, right now things look bleak.  But this is my marriage that I’m talking about.  So I don’t want to make a snap decision.” This type of thinking by only one spouse can turn everything around.   Even when you have one person pushing pretty hard to shut your marriage down (as I felt that my husband did sometimes,) you often only need one person to try to initiate a delay.  Sometimes, that delay makes all of the difference.  Not every time, of course.  But sometimes.

You Have At Least One Partner Who Is Willing To Come Up With And Follow A Plan Toward Change:  Most people think that in order to save your marriage, both people have to passionately believe in the marriage and be committed to tirelessly saving it.  Well, these things would be wonderful.  But many couples do not have these things, at least at the same time.  To start though, you sometimes just need one spouse who is willing to take inventory, to identify some of the things that are wrong, and to take steps to inspire some improvement.  Now, these small steps may not save your marriage by themselves.  But what they can do is to eventually allow your spouse to have a change in perception – where he sees that things aren’t as dire as they once were.  Once you show someone that change is actually possible, sometimes that person will take pause or reevaluate, and sometimes, that is all that you need.

At Least One Spouse Who Is Willing To Learn A New, Or Better Way:  Once you’ve identified the issues and made a somewhat successful attempt to fix them,  you’ll want to make sure that you don’t head into troubled waters again.  One way to do that is to learn new ways of communicating, negotiating, or resolving conflict – depending on what the issues were to begin with.

I know what you might be thinking – how can one person save a marriage? Doesn’t it require work and effort from both people?  Yes, this is ideal.  And in order for the changes or improvements to “stick,” both people are going to have to eventually get with the program.  But you don’t always have two gung-ho people initially.   Sometimes, one person begins the process and the other doesn’t get onboard until he’s sure that it can actually work.  Also, sometimes you have to sort of ease a husband into the changes.  In fact, not all husbands realize the presence of all of the changes that are taking place at the time.

This is often a gradual process where progress is made as it is able to be made.  Sometimes, your marriage is not going to be able to withstand all of this scrutiny and all of these broad, sweeping changes at once.  Requiring the same will often overwhelm a spouse who is reluctant to save your marriage in the first place.  So you need to go forward as you able – not making any rash decisions and making those improvements that you can make all on your own.  The hope is that once you do these things, life will become obviously more pleasant and your spouse will eventually be open to the changes and improvements also.  Thus, before you know it, your marriage will be saved without either of you having to make a big announcement about it.

This may run counter to the belief that you have to have two very determined and committed people sitting in a counselor’s office every other day.  This may not jive with the belief that both people still need to think that they are deeply in love and endlessly committed.  Don’t get me wrong.  These things are great.  But I am proof that these things, though wonderful, are not necessarily required – especially at first.

You can read more about my very sloppy, mistake-laden attempt at saving my marriage (which eventually worked) at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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