Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: I get several variations on this question quite often. Sometimes, the person writing (usually the wife) has left their spouse and decides that this was a huge mistake. They wish that they could take this all back and return home to save the marriage. They want to know how to undo the damage that has been done.

Other times, I hear from the spouse who was left. Again, this is usually a wife whose husband has left her. She usually wants to know how to lure or get her husband to change his mind and come back home. But, she doesn’t want to stoop to groveling or appearing needy and helpless. She wants her husband to want her back, but she wants this to be sincere and to be for the long term so that she has long term success and is able to save the marriage.

In the following article, I will address this subject for both the spouse who has been left and for the spouse who was the one who made the decision to leave. Having one person leave the home does not need to be a permanent thing that can’t be undone, but, at least in my opinion, there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about fixing this. I will discuss this more in the following article.

If You Left Your Spouse, But Want To Return Home In A Positive Way: As I said, sometimes I will hear from a wife who, in desperation, left the home hoping that the husband would wake up and improve the situation. But, somewhere along the way, they change their mind and figure out that this may have been a very bad idea. However, they don’t want to appear to be indecisive or weak and to just ask or plead to come home. So, they want to know how to go about this.

In my own experience, I feel like returning home (when you were the one who made the decision to leave) usually works best if it’s a gradual process. It’s not always the best idea to just announce that you’re abruptly coming home, especially if no real and lasting improvements have been made. It’s likely that, in addition to the issues that caused you to leave in the first place, you might also be dealing with the resentment that you left.

So, it can be more effective to first set your goal as improving the interactions and the relationship between you, quite gradually. Keep things lighthearted. Try to focus on the positive aspects of these interactions. At first, focus on light-hearted exchanges and laughter rather than trying to solve all of your problems and then hurrying home. Gradually allow for things to improve until hopefully it is your spouse who asks you to come home. Ideally, you should try to set it up so that they are the ones broaching the subject.

This might be a bit of a process, but it’s better to wait until both people are on board rather than to rush it and then ultimately not be successful.

If Your Husband Left You And You Want Him To Want You Back And Come Home: In this situation, in addition to the issues that made him leave in the first place, you likely also have some perception problems. Right now, your husband may think that his life is better away from you than with you. He might also feel that things aren’t likely to or just won’t change, or that the two of you aren’t likely to patch things up.

You’ll need to eventually address all of these perceptions, but you shouldn’t try to do it all at once. As I said before, you’ll have a better chance of long-term success if you allow for things to gradually but decidedly unfold. Since you likely won’t have unlimited access to him, you really should try to make every interaction count.

If there’s some underlying anger or awkwardness that’s going to prevent this, you’ll usually be better off addressing and eliminating this right away. Although you might well feel angry, resentful, or scared, it’s usually going to be advisable to limit the negative emotions or those that will elicit negative results in him. This is all part of changing the perceptions. You might want to tell him that you understand that he needs some space and that you agree that you, yourself, could use this also. It also helps to tell him that you just want the two of you to be happy rather than miserable people, and you’re not going to harp on things that might keep this from happening. This doesn’t mean backing down or appearing desperate. It just means stating the fact that you don’t want to move backward and be miserable.

This can be a hard sell. I realize that. But it’s very important. Because it allows you to have access to someone who isn’t completely guarded and who is not listening. He must not be reluctant because he thinks that you’re going to constantly try to change his mind or to elicit negative feelings. If he thinks that you’re on board and only wants his happiness, then he will give you more access to him.

During this access, it’s very helpful to show him the best version of yourself. You want to show him the strong, confident, and happy-go-lucky part of yourself that is going to bring about positive instead of negative emotions in him. Here’s something that few people really understand. People are most attracted to other people because they make them feel good about themselves. Always remember this. Resist the urge to guilt, nag, or engage. Try to set a better tone and then move very gradually. If he feels guilty or awkward around you, then he’s not going to want to keep moving forward.

And, at the end of the day, you want for him to begin to initiate the contact. This can seem risky, but you really want this to be mutual and lasting so that you don’t find yourself right back in this same position in a few months or so. Eventually, you will need to address the issues that caused him to leave in the first place. But, in the beginning, you really just want to focus on reestablishing a connection and improving the interactions and relationship so that you will be at a place where you can eventually address the more serious issues.