Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: One of the hardest things about being separated from your husband is feeling like you don’t even know what he wants anymore. I hear this a lot from wives:

“He won’t really talk to me. He just gives me vague reasons for needing time apart.” Or
“He says he needs space, but I have no idea if he’s planning to come back or if he’s already mentally gone.”

If you’re nodding along right now, I want you to know—I get it. I’ve been there. And I remember how confusing and scary it all felt to know that my marriage could potentially be over.

Here’s what I’ve learned, both through my own experience and by talking with other women: figuring out what your husband really wants during the separation (even if he isn’t saying it out loud) can give you a much better chance of saving your marriage.

Let’s talk about what many separated husbands are actually looking for—and what you can do with that knowledge.

He Wants to Escape the Tension:

When a husband initiates a separation, it’s often because things feel “too much.” The tension, the arguing, the emotional weight—it just builds and builds until he needs out. He might not even fully understand what’s going on inside of himself. He just knows he doesn’t feel good in the relationship right now.

That doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t love you. But it can mean that—right now—he associates being around you with stress. And that’s something we can gently shift.

This is why constantly texting, calling, or asking “Where do we stand?” can backfire. I completely understand why you want to do those things (I did them too, with near disastrous results). But when you do, he may feel like the pressure never stops.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do is let things settle a bit and focus on creating a calmer, more peaceful energy between you.

He Wants to Feel Understood:

One thing I’ve found is that separated husbands often don’t feel heard. Or they’re worrying they’ll be criticized if they open up. So instead of risking an argument, they just shut down. It doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings—it means they don’t feel safe expressing them.

Even if what he’s saying seems hurtful or off-base, try to show him that you’re willing to listen. You can say something like:
“I may not agree with everything, but I want to understand how you’re feeling. So I’m listening.”

This can go a long way in helping him lower his guard and see that you’re not the enemy—you’re someone who still values him, even now.

He Wants to See the Woman He First Fell in Love With, But He May Doubt She’s Still There:

This one might sting a little at first, but stay with me—it’s actually empowering. Your husband likely fell in love with a version of you that was confident, fun, loving, and full of life. Over time, responsibilities and challenges (and yes, maybe emotional distance) can bury that woman a bit. It happens in almost every long-term relationship. And it’s not your fault. Your life is full of obligations that mean you can’t always focus on being wife of the year.

Right now, he may be wondering if that version of you still exists. So what happens if you start showing her again? You focus on your own happiness, your self-worth, and the things that used to light you up. You don’t do it to impress him—you do it because you deserve to feel good about yourself, no matter what’s going on.

But guess what? When he sees you taking care of yourself and regaining your light, it naturally draws him in. He starts remembering what made him fall for you in the first place.

He Wants to Be Wanted—But Not Chased

This is a tricky one. Many men want to know they still matter to their wives. But they don’t want to feel like they’re being pushed into something they’re unsure about.

There’s a big difference between saying, “I still love you and care about our marriage,” and saying, “You need to come back or else.”

Letting him know that you still want him in your life—without putting pressure on him to make a decision—can be very powerful.

He Wants Space—But He’s Still Watching

I know it can feel like he’s just checked out, especially if he’s gone quiet. But trust me, many husbands do pay close attention during separations. They watch how their wives respond. They notice if you’re falling apart or standing strong. And they often aren’t as far emotionally gone as they might seem.

It might not feel like it, but you’re still setting the tone. So when you can show him grace, dignity, and even a little joy or lightness, it sends a very different message than if you’re constantly upset or reaching out.

I’m not saying to fake being okay. But I am saying that you have more influence than you think—especially when you give him the space he asked for, while still being loving and grounded.

If you have to stay away when you’re struggling and wait until you can show him the best part of yourself, I honestly think that’s fine. I had to do that, too.

So, What Do You Do Now?

You take small, thoughtful steps. You focus on creating positive emotional experiences, even if it’s just a warm tone in a short text, or giving him space without bitterness. You work on getting back to the version of yourself that you love—because that’s who he probably misses, too.

And you don’t chase or force. Instead, you become a quiet but powerful reminder of what home felt like before all the tension and distance.

That’s how you begin to get through to a husband who isn’t sure what he wants.

Because deep down, most separated husbands aren’t truly looking for a way out. They’re looking for relief, understanding, and hope that things could feel good again.

And when you show them that’s possible—even in small, quiet ways—they often begin to find their way back.

I’ve seen it happen. I’ve lived it. And I believe it can happen for you too. If you want to read about exactly how I got my separated husband back, I lay it out at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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