Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It feels terrible when you know that your actions have put your marriage in jeopardy. It’s likely you didn’t mean to do anything wrong. But you have. And now your husband is upset or angry and talking about leaving. There’s no way to unring that bell, but there has to be a way to soften the blow.

Someone might say, “I honestly was not acting maliciously. I think my actions were somewhat innocent. My husband has repeatedly said that he wanted the holidays to be just our family. But my sister is going to book a cabin in ski country. I knew my kids would love to ski with their cousins for the holidays, so I told my sister that I would talk to my husband about it. And I was waiting for the right time, which hasn’t come.

But my sister didn’t know that. So when she called and my husband picked up, she told him she hopes he’ll join her for the holidays. My husband was shocked and angry. He said he felt put on the spot. And he was angry with me for ‘making plans behind his back.’ He says our family is never good enough for me, that I always need to be with other people.

He’s right that we are different in that way. I don’t mean any harm, though. I just miss my family. Now he’s saying he might leave because he doesn’t think I prioritize our immediate family enough. I never wanted this to happen. And I’m desperate to make him stay. I’d reverse this if I could, but he’s really angry. And I can’t imagine how awkward it’s going to be during the holidays either way.”

It’s Usually Not About the Primary Argument, But About Something Bigger: 

I’d argue that this isn’t about the holidays. Sure, that’s the topic that your husband has seized upon. That’s where he’s hung his anger. But it’s almost never solely about the thing you’re arguing over. It’s usually an argument about a bigger picture item that has been a long-time coming. 

I’d suspect that it comes down to him not feeling as prioritized by you as he wants to be. When someone says that they’re not enough, they’re telling you that they don’t think you’re making them the priority that they believe you should.

I’m not saying that this is true. I’m just saying that this may be your husband’s viewpoint. You get to decide how accurate it is. And honestly, I don’t know if trying to convince him of your commitment is the sole approach you need to take. You can and should do that, of course. But it helps to see the big picture, too. This leads me to my next point. 

Look at How Intimate Your Relationship Was Before the Conflict:  

I hear from many couples. And before I even hear the issue at play, I almost always can tell you one of their biggest. It’s not any great talent on my part. It’s just that when you get to the point where your marriage feels like it’s in trouble, then you can almost always bet that you’ve lost a significant amount of intimacy.

Why? Because if your husband still felt very close to you, he wouldn’t be complaining about this small issue. He’d be willing to compromise because he’d know that you have his back and would never purposely do anything to disappoint or hurt him. 

I’m not telling you that you don’t have to address the holiday issue. You should.

I’m just suggesting that the holiday issue blew up so much because it’s likely that, for whatever reason, intimacy has waned and therefore your husband is quick to anger.  

If the two of you were deeply connected, he would’ve trusted that you were going to come to him about the holidays. And he’d have been more willing to talk about compromise rather than “being enough.”

The real issue is much more likely the “being enough” than the holidays. The holidays are just an easy target.

And I make no judgements about this. The loss of intimacy was a big issue that lead to my own separation.

Be Methodical in Your Strategy, but Loving in Your Approach: 

I know that you may feel frightened and scared, but don’t let that stop you from taking any action. Your husband is still there. Right now, he hasn’t gone anywhere, so it’s best to strike while you still have a captive audience. I made the mistake of waiting, and it almost cost me my marriage.

You can certainly say something like, “honey, I promise I was going to talk to you about the holidays. I didn’t make any commitment whatsoever. And there’s nothing that can’t be undone. Of course you are enough. Can we please talk about this rather than becoming angry?”

Once you’ve addressed the holiday issue, begin to put more time and attention into your relationship.

You don’t even need to tell him what you’re doing if you think you will meet resistance.

Ask yourself which areas of your relationship need the most attention, and then methodically add more attention to the problem areas – one by one.

You aren’t going to solve every problem immediately. But you can give intimacy your immediate attention. And you can know that sometimes, taking a walk together rather than analyzing your problems to death is the better strategy.

Every day, you want to ask yourself what you can do that day to feel closer to your husband. That might entail doing something nice for him. That might mean spending uninterrupted time together. That might mean listening instead of talking. 

If you can take these small steps every day, I suspect that pretty soon, your husband is going to feel like he is a priority and he’s going to see that his argument no longer has any teeth.

At that point, it may not even matter because his anger isn’t just about the holidays anyway. As the two of you become intimate again, he’s likely to let down his anger. When you’re intimate and connected, you want to keep the good feelings going between you because it feels good.

So you’re much more likely to brush off small miscommunications and slights. You’re willing to give your partner the benefit of the doubt because of all the love they’ve given you. 

I don’t mean to oversimplify it.  But I can’t stress enough how important it is to address the intimacy.  If you can successfully do that, your problems become much smaller.  You can read about how I eventually did this at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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