Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people want to save their marriages at all costs. No matter how bad things may get, they believe that marriage is forever, and they’re willing to do whatever it takes to stick it out. It’s an admirable way to think, and one that might even work – if you had a spouse who agreed with this thinking.

Unfortunately, many of us have spouses who completely disagree and who believe that when a marriage is beginning to crumble, you should separate or divorce. They believe that there is no reason to continue when the end is seemingly near.

A wife who believes in saving her marriage at all costs might say, “My parents didn’t always have the perfect marriage. They certainly fought at times, but they were married for over 70 years until one of them passed away, and then the other was devastated. Sometimes, when my father angered my mother, she would complain about him. And I would ask her why she stayed. And she would tell me that if you want to leave your marriage, you need to ‘earn your way out.’ When I asked her what she meant by that, she said that you had to do everything in your power to make it work, for however long that took, until there wasn’t one thing left that you could try. I often think about my mother’s words when dealing with my husband and our struggling marriage. He wants to move out. He wants to separate and potentially divorce. I’m not denying that we have real issues. We do. But we haven’t tried everything. We haven’t even been trying that long. I’ve told my husband what my mother said about earning your way out, and he said my parents had a terrible marriage and if I think he’s going to accept that kind of marriage, I am mistaken. I disagree about their marriage, but I can’t get him to budge on trying other things before he walks out. I think he’s going to leave any day. What can I do?”

Know What is Possible and What is Not: As someone who tried every trick in the book to get her husband not to leave, I can share some things I wish I’d done and some mistakes I made. Looking back on it now, I don’t believe you can “make” your husband see things your way no matter how hard you try. Pushing him while trying will often make things worse. I do believe, however, that you can act in a calm, logical, and cordial way that is conducive to him listening to reason (which I unfortunately didn’t do.) But that doesn’t always mean he’ll change his mind.

However, there is no harm in trying. Just don’t insinuate that he’s stupid, stubborn, or asking too much when he doesn’t see it your way because that will just cause him to dig in that much more. 

Offer Him Concessions:  People who “earn their way out” often do so because they successfully negotiate. You don’t have to tell your husband this is what you are doing when you try it. But perhaps you can offer to move into another bedroom in your home or you can offer to stay with friends for a little while. This concession gives him a bit of room but means he doesn’t have to actually leave. It can be harder to get him to come back than it is to just get him to stay with space and privacy. 

Another thing that I have seen work is to ask him to work with you just once per week or a couple of times per month. You could suggest counseling, getting together, or working through self-help for whatever amount of time he is comfortable with and then make the deal with him that you won’t harp on your issues except during those sessions. That way, he has an incentive to actually work with you during those designated times, and you might make some progress. This relieves some of the pressure sometimes.

His Not Doing The Work Doesn’t Mean That You Can’t:  I can’t predict if your husband will stay or go. I hope he stays. But if he goes, that doesn’t mean that you still can’t work on “earning” your way. There is often plenty of self-work that we can do on ourselves. There are plenty of places we might look objectively and see where we made mistakes that may be fixed now. You can also go to counseling or do self-help even if he won’t.

Don’t panic and don’t beat yourself up. Separations or divorces don’t happen overnight. You have some time. Things can and do change. There were times during my own separation when I was sure I had no chance to speak of, and yet, I did – eventually.

Sometimes, just hanging in there and coming back to try again another day is half of the battle. Sometimes not giving up is the victory that you need.  

Your husband’s decision of what to do about your marriage is ultimately his. But your decision about how you are going to react to that and what you’re going to do about your marriage right now is ultimately yours. He doesn’t get to dictate what you do and vice versa.

Take good care of yourself and try to make this time work for you. Become stronger. Become better, so that when he checks in with you, he is pleasantly surprised by who – and what – he finds. Don’t give into despair and act as if you’ve already lost. That isn’t attractive and won’t help your cause. Hold your head high and get to work. You can still “earn your way” and he may eventually join you if you play your cards right. 

It took me way too long to embrace this attitude, but once I did, things changed.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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