Leslie Cane Articles

It’s probably fair to say that a very small percentage who I speak with about their struggling marriages actually want a divorce. Most are quite motivated to save their marriage. But those who are dealing with a situation in which their spouse has already moved out fear they’ll have a harder time. I often hear comments like “He’s already packed his bags and moved out. I feel like a divorce is imminent, but I still want to do everything that I can to stop it. How can I do this?”

I’ve seen a few different strategies work to stop a divorce even after the husband has already left the home. But most of the time, they involve emotional rather than legal strategies. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Why It’s Best To Leave The Legal Strategies To The Lawyers: I sometimes have people ask me if they should deny service of the divorce papers or stall. This is advice best left to attorneys. And, I’m certainly not one. But I can tell you that, even from a strategic standpoint, putting yourself on opposite sides of your spouse really doesn’t get you any closer to them. Instead, it usually means that you’ll get even less access to them. These are two things that you do not want. I often tell people to ask themselves if their actions are moving them closer to their spouse or further away.

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t listen to your attorney’s advice. You should. That’s why you’re paying them. But there has to be a difference between what’s going on in the courts and what’s going on in your heart. And so many people blur the two. You can’t and shouldn’t ignore what’s going on around you, but you should also remember what you’re trying to accomplish.

Your Best Bet Is To Make Him Want To Stop The Divorce Rather Than Trying To Force Him To Do So: Many people who attempt to rise to this challenge feel as though they must take a combative stance. They become determined to “make” or “get” their husband to see things their way through the sheer force of will. And often, they will either come on very strongly or they’ll attempt to wear their husband down.

What they don’t realize is that they’re usually only reinforcing the husband’s desire to leave the marriage as soon as possible. And so just like that, they’ve made this process even more difficult and have accomplished the exact opposite of what they set out to do.

I know that it’s very tempting to text or call a lot, to try to debate the point with him, or to try to “make” him see things your way, but most of these strategies will only make him more resistant to you. Worse, he will usually limit his access to you as the result.

Always keep in mind basic human nature. Most people will steer clear of things that cause them stress or which make them feel worse about themselves or about their situations. If you create this scenario, you’re making it much more likely that he wants to avoid you at all costs. Instead, you want to create a situation that makes him feel positive feelings. Because when he does, he has a better chance of gravitating toward you instead of away from you.

Using Legitimate Opportunities To Encourage Him To Stop The Divorce (In Non-Obvious Ways:) One issue that you will need to overcome is that you likely do not have direct access to your husband. Since he’s already moved out, it’s not as if you can just walk down the hall to see him. So, you’ll have to make the most of the time that you’re given.

Many wives will take this to mean that they should concoct made-up reasons that they need to see their husbands. So, they’ll make excuses about the kids or act in some negative way in order to encourage him to engage with them. This typically backfires. Most husbands in this situation are not at all stupid. They will know if you’re playing games or not being genuine. Make sure that you limit your attempts only to legitimate reasons to see him. Don’t make up excuses or concoct false scenarios.

There will be legitimate times when you need to contact or interact with him. And when these times present themselves, you have to make the most of them. You have to allow him to see that his perceptions about you, and the relationship, were completely inaccurate. And, if he can come to believe that his perceptions were wrong, then the next logical step is for him to also believe that the divorce might be wrong.

However, he really does have to come to these realizations on his own. You can’t spoon-feed his own thoughts to him. You shouldn’t even make overly obvious suggestions. But, what you can do is set it up so that his perceptions and experiences are as positive as you can possibly make them. Because this will most certainly reflect back to how he feels about you and about the divorce.

This doesn’t mean that you should act in a way that’s not genuine or obviously fake. If you can’t convincingly pull it off, then try something else or wait until you can. It’s important that you pick the actions that you can most convincingly pull off. Because no one likes to feel as if they are being manipulated. And, if your husband suspects this, then you run the risk of him retreating even further.

As Difficult As It May Be, You Need To Move Slowly When You’re Trying To Stop The Divorce: I can completely understand that you probably feel as if you can almost hear the clock ticking. I, too, have been in this situation and I know how desperate and dire it can make you feel. But there’s a real risk of pushing too hard and showing your hand before the game is really over.

If you move too fast, you run the real risk of scaring your husband off and then having a harder time making up ground as the result. It’s important that this plays out gradually so that it feels natural to your husband. Ultimately, you’re much better off eventually letting him take the lead so that he ultimately believes that stopping the divorce was his own idea.

Because you don’t want to revisit this in a few months or even a few years. And you want any reprieve to be lasting. Plus, you want your marriage to end up being stronger than it was when you started this process. So, sometimes you’ll have to settle for small, little wins. You might have to settle for coffee when you really wanted a seven-course meal. And, you’ll have to turn the pressure level way down.

This can feel like it’s crawling along, and it can try your patience, but I sincerely believe that it’s better in the long run because it stands a better chance of producing a husband who is stopping the divorce quite willingly. You don’t want him to “give in” but to only resent you for it later.