Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, when we get what we have wanted for such a long time, it isn’t exactly how we envisioned it. This is fine if we’re talking about an object or something that isn’t life altering. But when it is our marriage that we are talking about, missing your target can be of the utmost importance.

When you are separated from your spouse, you fantasize about the day you will reconcile and he will come home. Most of us hope for a second honeymoon sort of situation where we can’t get enough of each other and we vow to never be apart again.

Unfortunately, sometimes we only get half of that reality. Some of us do get husbands who come home and we are completely grateful for that. But while he’s physically there, he is not always emotionally there. He may be only putting one toe in the water of your marital swimming pool – not being fully present and not fully expressing his love. This hurts. And it makes you wonder if he only came back for a reason that has nothing to do with being in love with you.

Here’s what I mean. A wife might explain: “I do not want to sound ungrateful. Having my husband home is the best Christmas present I ever got. We were separated for almost a year and there were times when I was sure that we were going to get a divorce. My husband agreed to come stay here to make the kids’ holiday special and he never left. Of course, I was hoping that this would happen and I am absolutely thrilled that it did. But, his presence is here, and his heart is not. I am pretty sure he is here because of the kids and because it is just easier for everyone this way. But in my fantasies, he would touch me like he used to and he would look at me like I am something he loves deeply. Neither has happened. I want him to love me like crazy. I want him to fall deeply in love with me again. But right now, it seems like I am just someone he tolerates or likes as a friend. How can you get your husband to fall back in love with you after the separation is over? I hate to even ask this because I told myself that if I ever got my husband back I would never ask for anything more.”

I think that you have the right to want to feel loved in your marriage and I do not think that you are asking for too much. Luckily, bring back the gestures of love do not need to so overly difficult that they rock the boat or put your reconciliation in jeopardy. Frankly, getting the deep love back is the really icing on the cake and it will make the reconciliation feel better and more “right” for everyone involved.

Don’t Go In With A Defeatist Attitude: You have to get it out of your mind that he does not really want to be there. A lack of confidence is not always seen as being attractive. And, if he truly did not want to be there, then he wouldn’t be. He knows that you are overanalyzing everything that he does or says and this can make him hesitate to show you anything at all.  More than anything, your home should be the place where you husband can exhale deeply and just relax.  It should not be the place where he has to watch everything he says and does.

Also, I want to stress that it’s possible you aren’t reading the situation exactly correctly. Your husband may well still love you deeply but he isn’t completely showing it for various reasons. First, it’s just normal for people to be reluctant to fully open their hearts after a separation. Every one is afraid that things won’t work out and that they will be hurt as a result.

And no one wants to be the person who opens themselves up emotionally and feels rejected when their spouse doesn’t return their feelings. However, for a deep and meaningful connection, this is exactly what is required. You have to open yourself up to fully let the other person in. I suspect that your husband is reluctant to do this, as many people are in the early stages of the reconciliation.

Don’t Try To Overcome His Reservations With Pressure: Sometimes, we try to get past this by pushing our spouse to open up.  But be very careful with this. I firmly believe that pressure is usually the single biggest stressor during a reconciliation. Expectations are and fears are high, but the pressure should be low. People tend to understandably act as if everything is riding on the reconciliation, but this creates awkwardness and tension which in turn make success less likely.

You are better off telling yourself that this is going to take time and you are going to take the small victories at first. That way, it is easier to laugh, to create a relaxed household, and to share things without worrying about what is all means.

Understand What Makes A Man Feel Loving And Loved: I believe that men feel the most love in a couple of situations – when they feel like the situation makes it easy for them to be their best selves and when they are getting the physical feedback that makes them feel good about themselves. When you are giving off the vibe (or telling your husband) that you don’t feel loved, you’re almost telling him that he’s disappointing you and he may retreat even more.

I think it’s better to give him positive feedback when he does something right rather than to panic and criticize when he does something wrong. You want to make him feel that he is happier with you than without you and the way to do that is to laugh, to express love when it feels right, and to accept the little moments knowing that in time, the bigger ones are going to come.

It is easier for men to feel love when they feel appreciated and accepted. In the beginning of your reconciliation, set your expectations a little lower so that he can very easily feel these things. As time goes by, you can then reevaluate but in the beginning, you want to make your goals very easy to achieve so that everyone feels accepted.

Laugh and love without forcing it.  Allow the good times to happen naturally.  If you can make it where your husband looks forward to coming home to you because he knows your home is where he’s loved unconditionally for being himself, the loving gestures will return.  The connection has to be there for the love to come forth.  When you are both open emotionally, it happens in time.

Try to do things that are just going to allow you to enjoy being together and don’t require you to question everything. Know that every day is not going to feel like a romantic reawakening, but you may have little spontaneous moments upon which you can build.

There were times during our reconciliation when I wondered if my husband was deeply in love with me.  But once we were done with the process, I had no doubts and neither did he.  It takes to time to feel the confidence that everything is truly going to be OK.  When this confidence sets in, the walls come down.  At least this was the case with us.  You can see how we got there on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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