Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are determined to hold out hope for a reconciliation even when others believe that they are crazy or delusional to do so. I can identify with these wives because I used to be one of them. These wives often want some reassure that they aren’t just grasping at implausible straws.

I might hear from one who says: “my husband pursued a separation because he said he didn’t want to be married any more. This is what he said to make it sound more palatable. But what he really meant was that he didn’t want to be married to me. Going even further, he meant that he didn’t want me anymore. During this whole separation, I have been hoping that he would discover that he wanted me once again. So far, I haven’t seen a lot of behaviors which would indicate that this is what is happening. There are times when he is pleasant to me, but there is really nothing beyond this. I told one of my friends about my wishes and she told me that my thought process was ridiculous. She said that separated husbands don’t ‘discover’ that they want their wives again. They either want her or they don’t. But they don’t ‘discover’ anything. I appreciate my friend’s honesty. I really do. I can always count on her to tell me the truth. But I find this so discouraging. Is it just not possible that, because he’s away from me, that he can discover that maybe he has some feelings left for me? Or am I just fooling myself?”

I honestly do believe that in some cases, both spouses can rediscover their feelings for one another during a separation. And the reason for this is very simple. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It is difficult to take someone for granted when you are no longer living with them or you no longer see them every day. It is easier to see the good side of someone when you are no longer privy to it.

I can’t tell you that this happens in every instance. Sometimes, the spouse who initiated the separation really doesn’t change his mind or his feelings. However, every separation and every couple is different. I would not call it rare for a man to discover that he misses his wife and wants her back.  It happens every day.

However, I don’t like to leave this to chance. I can’t promise you that your actions can always control the outcome. That would be somewhat unrealistic. But I do believe that many times, our deliberate and well executed actions can contribute to our success in luring our husbands back to us.

For example, you can make it clear that you hope he changes his mind, but you don’t want to come off as desperate. You may also want to consider making it clear that although you miss your husband and are hoping for the best as far as your marriage is concerned, you are living your own life. I will tell you something that I have come to truly believe. In this case, confidence is attractive.

I understand that when you feel that your husband doesn’t want you, then you feel rejected. But when you feel rejected, you tend to project an attitude that you are not good enough and that the best that you can hope for is to just wait helplessly in the event that he changes his mind. In my experience and opinion, this is not what you want to project.  I learned this first hand during my own separation.

Instead, you want to do everything in your power to build yourself up, even when you think that no one is watching. Do you know why? Because if you can build yourself up and regain your confidence when you are in private, then when you are with your husband, you don’t have to pretend to be confident when you are really not. You can be genuinely playful and laughing and attractive because you really believe this about yourself.

When you are successful with this, you have a much better chance of your husband responding positively. The point that I am trying to make here is that yes, there is a chance that your husband will discover that he wants you again. But why not enhance that chance by giving him something wonderful, and something new, to discover?

Many wives tell me they don’t know where to start. I suggest only with yourself. For just a while, take him out of the equation. Do what makes you happy. Think about what you yourself respond to and what makes you feel pretty and confident. Because when you make yourself happy, this projects outward and this is attractive in a way that is authentic and very easy to pull off.

If I had given up hope during my own separation, I would no longer be married.  With this said, I didn’t stop living my life.  I focused on myself.  And I believe that this made all of the difference.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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