Is Our Marriage Too Far Gone To Save It?
By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from spouses (usually wives) who are wondering or want to know if their marriage is “too far gone.” Often, they want to save that same marriage but they just aren’t sure if it’s possible. They know things are quickly deteriorating and they aren’t sure if they want to put in all of the work and effort to save the marriage if the marriage is so damaged that this is just not going to be possible.
I often hear comments like “how do I know if my marriage is too far gone to actually save it?” We’ve been having problems for a long time now and things are awful between us. We’re nasty to each other. He’s distant, critical, and sarcastic. We never have sex anymore. It’s like we don’t even like each other – much less love each other. How do you know when a marriage is so far gone that there’s just no coming back?”
Obviously, this call is going to be different for each couple. It’s going to depend on how determined you are to save your marriage and how much this really means to you. Because saving a marriage that has been damaged over a long period of time or is so damaged that it’s obvious and painful to both people takes a little work and care. However, I know for a fact that it can be done because I myself have done it.
In the following article, I will suggest some things you may want to consider if you’re trying to determine if your marriage is just too far gone to save.
Have Either Of You Just Shut Down?: Sometimes, people will contact me and tell me that they have constant fights with their spouse and nasty words and exchanges take place. They take this to mean that things have really deteriorated passed the point of no return.
They are often surprised when I’m not overly alarmed by this. The reason that these sorts of things don’t overly concern me is because fighting or even having lots of conflict in your marriage at least shows that you still care enough to have deep emotions about it.
Yes, these emotions might still be coming out in negative ways. But if either of you are still angry, frustrated or downright tired of it, at least you care enough that the emotions are still coming out. I’m usually more worried when people tell me that things are cordial but cold because they or their spouse don’t seem to care one way or another.
In other words, they or their spouse has become indifferent because they’ve just checked out. If there’s no emotions anymore, that means there’s more work you will have to do. Saving a marriage when one spouse is indifferent is by no means impossible, but it’s more difficult, though it can be done.
Is There No Common Ground Anymore? I often tell people to try to find some common ground when they are trying to save their marriages – even if the only common ground is that they agree the marriage is in trouble and they want to do something about it. Or it could be your children. It could be anything on which you share something and are therefore invested in the marriage.
But when marriages are supposedly too damaged to save, this element is missing. The individuals with in start to see themselves as just that – individuals. They no longer have the “we” or “us” mentality – they have the “I” or “me” mentality.
That’s not to say that you can’t return to the us mentality. But it makes saving your marriage more difficult and means that you’ll have to go through more steps.
Do You Not Believe That You Can Save Your Marriage? Do You Believe In Your Heart That It’s Too Far Gone?: Here’s what I think. When people ask me if it’s too late for their marriage, they’re hoping I will tell them that it’s not. Because if they knew deep down in their heart that the marriage was over and had passed the point of no return, they would likely not be asking me.
So the fact that you are reading this article tells me that you hope (or don’t believe) that your marriage is too far gone but perhaps you don’t have the tools or the cooperation from your spouse to save it.
I know that it’s difficult to have these types of doubts. But the fact that you have the doubts makes me suspect that you are still very invested in your marriage. If this is true, then in my opinion that your marriage is not too far gone. Yes, you may have some work to do. Yes, you may have to do a few things to get your spouse on board. But frankly, I think a marriage is only past the point of no return when you give up on it.
I know that may seem easy for me to say since I’m still married. But we had some really dark days and he had actually filed for and wanted a divorce. So if I had just thrown up my hands and declared my marriage too far gone, I’d be single today (and I’m glad I’m not.) Our marriage is actually stronger than ever, but this took some doing. You can read more about how I saved my marriage (mostly by myself) on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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