Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It is undoubtedly painful when your spouse sits you down, looks into your eyes, and tells you that they aren’t happy.  It’s unsettling when your spouse has an increasingly short fuse, making it obvious that he doesn’t think he’s living his best life or best relationship.  In these situations, it is very normal to feel unmoored and unsure as to just how you are supposed to respond.  Most of us know from our own lives that sometimes we unload on those who are closest to us and therefore who are the most convenient.

A wife might say, “For the last six weeks, my husband has been making sarcastic and very direct comments about your marriage. He isn’t subtle, and he tells me that he doesn’t feel all that close to me anymore and that our marriage is no longer fulfilling and looks much less intimate and loving than those of his friends. Part of me has no idea where this is coming from other than he increasingly hates his job and feels stress from it. Nothing has changed in our marriage. Nothing has changed with our intimacy other than he is always uptight. So how seriously should I take this?

You Can’t Take It Too Seriously: My response and opinion comes as someone who almost lost their marriage and ended up divorced simply because I ignored the hints my husband threw at me. I’m going to be honest. I was going through a stressful time myself, I was cowardly, and it was easier to bury my head in the sand than face reality.

But, of course, this came back to bite me. When he didn’t get my attention by being honest with me, he became more and more frustrated and more and more sure that he could not work with me (and our marriage) any longer and he was ready to walk away.  

So I had a much worse time cleaning up the mess than I would have had if I had paid attention from the jump.

If your husband is straight up telling you (or obviously hinting) that something is wrong, take it EXTREMELY seriously. If it turns out that you are wrong, at least your husband knows that you make him a priority. No harm done. But if you attempt to minimize what he’s telling you, he feels unheard and misunderstood on top of the dissatisfaction he’s already feeling.

How To Act When He’s Telling You Your Marriage Is In Trouble: Even if you yourself are busy or are dealing with stress, stop a minute and think. Is the stressor more important to you than your marriage? Your husband?

Of course not. So give him the attention that he deserves and validate him. It’s okay to admit that this worries or confuses you, but none of this negates your need to pay attention to and tend to him.

Tell him what you hear him saying and ask him if you have it right. Ask him what you’ve missed. Ask him if he could have his way, what would he want to change? What could you do to make things better? What attempts by you could make him feel some relief?

If he’s giving you vague answers, keep gently probing, but don’t push so hard that you frustrate him even more.

How To Keep Accountable: After you’ve talked to him and gotten more information, formulate a plan. Whether that is to give him more attention, more care, or more time, pay attention and make an effort every single day. Then ask yourself where you are having success and where you are not.

If you aren’t, it is time to ask your husband for clarification because you may not be on the right track. You might have misunderstood what he wants more or less of. Make sure you truly understand what he is looking for or needing from you and make it your business to try your best to provide it.

When You Feel Resentful: I sometimes have wives who tell me that they resent how much their husbands is asking. They might say something like, “He’s basically taking his job stress out on me and our marriage. He is blaming all of his unhappiness on me and the marriage and this is displaced.”

You might be completely right. But it doesn’t matter. Why? When our spouse is under stress for any reason, he might legitimately need more from us and that is fair game. I’ve had to care for an ill parent this year and, being honest, my spouse took a lot of my frustration from that but he was my rock even though he could have resented that.

Don’t think I didn’t notice or appreciate it because I did. And it actually strengthened our marriage.

I hope I’ve made it clear that even if your husband is blowing off steam if you don’t pay attention, your marriage could end up being in trouble, if it isn’t already.

You want and need to be the place and person your spouse goes to when he needs something emotionally or physically. You need to be his person. Don’t negate that by not giving him what he needs from you.

I know all of this because I almost lost my marriage by not paying attention. I was on the brink of divorce because of neglect. You can read about how I got my marriage back on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com.

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