Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are either separated, on a break from their husband, or in the beginning stages of a divorce.  Many are starting to see different (and more positive) behaviors from their husband. Sometimes, he has started to show interest again, act in romantic ways, or he begins to bring up the marriage or saving it. Of course, most wives will notice this change right away and wonder how they should respond to this or if the signs that they are seeing might truly means he wants to reconcile instead of just wishful thinking.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been separated for about three months. For the first six weeks, he pretty much avoided me. He wouldn’t respond to my calls or texts and it became pretty clear that things were not going very well. But then after we had been separated for about two months, he started acting a lot differently. He began to call and text me. He began to drop by saying that he wanted to see the kids. And when he did, he would say sweet things to me. Yesterday, he called and asked me out and while we were on the phone, he told me that he wanted to maintain a relationship with me because of the kids. I’m thrilled that he’s showing interest, but I’m a little confused too. What signs should I look for to show that he might be interested in a reconciliation? And how should I respond if he is?” I’ll try to address these questions in the following article.

Signs That Your Husband Might Want A Reconciliation: It was clear after dialoging with this wife for a while that she really was afraid that she was reading the signs all wrong and was seeing what she wanted to see. But, I assured her that the changing behaviors that she was seeing might be indicative of a man who wants to reconcile. Yes, he was telling her that he was trying to improve their relationship for the kids. But, this didn’t need to be the only reason that he was changing his behaviors. Because he was also showing romantic interest as well. He had been finding ways to brush her arm, laugh with her, and meet her gaze in an almost flirtatious way. There’s a difference between getting along for the sake of your children and wanting to get a long because of a marital bond or a romantic interest.

Now, it had only been a couple of days since her husband began showing a change of attitude. But in the coming days or weeks, she might look for some of the following. You want to hear your husband talk about the future with you. And you might listen to see if he seems nostalgic about your past or hopefully about your future. He might even mention what was wrong with your marriage or how to change it. He might offer to go to counseling or be more willing to work with you to improve or save the marriage. He might start asking you questions to feel you out to see if you feel the same way.

How Do You Respond If You’re Seeing Some OF These Signs Which Might Indicate That He Wants To Reconcile: I find that women in this situation have varying reactions. Some are very clear and transparent about the fact that they are thrilled that he wants to reconcile. The might worry if things are going to work out sometimes, but they are willing to do anything to save their marriage, so they are willing to jump right in and get to work.

Then you have some wives who really want to analyze exactly what is happening and which response will give them the best chance to save their marriage. Although they want to jump right back into their marriage, they are somewhat reluctant to do this because they want to lay the groundwork and move slowly to ensure that their marriage really stands a chance.

And then there are the wives who don’t want to get too excited because they don’t want to get their hopes up. They are suspicious of their husband’s motivations for suddenly wanting to reconcile, so they are guarded about the whole process. And they wait for him to lead the way.

So which approach is right? There is no one answer here. I do find that the suspicious and reluctant wives seem to sometimes have the lowest success rate because their doubt keeps them from truly letting go and truly trying their best to make things work. They are always holding something back because they don’t want to get hurt. But the fall out from this can be that their husband thinks they don’t care or he gives up because their lack of enthusiasm or commitment.

The wives who don’t ask questions and go all in immediately can sometimes be disappointed to later learn that nothing has really changed and that they still have the same problems that they have always had and which contributed to the separation in the first place.

That’s why I advocate a happy combination of the two. There is nothing wrong with being happy that your husband is showing signs of wanting to reconcile. That is good, exciting news. And it is a wonderful first step. But I find that couples who take the next step and find some sort of resources or get some kind of help to navigate the reconciliation process have a much higher success rate. Because it is one thing to want to reconcile. And it is entirely different thing to actually gain the education and resources to make it possible.

It’s my opinion that you will give yourself the best chance of the reconciliation actually working if you give yourself that chance to save your marriage but also temper your enthusiasm enough to ensure that you find and get the help that you might need to ensure success.

When my husband started showing interest in me again, I doubted his intentions.  I didn’t want to get my hopes up, so we moved slowly and this ended up being the right call because eventually did save our marriage and are still together today.  You can read about the whole process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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