Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When your spouse mentions a separation, it’s normal and understandable that you are going to monitor his behavior very closely. If he’s acting cold and distant to you, then you will often take that as a bad sign. But, if he’s sweet or nice to you, then you can be unsure as to whether or not that is a good or bad sign. There is often a suspicion that he is only being nice in order to get your cooperation during the separation because he’s hoping that you will accept it with a good attitude and without a fight.

A wife might say: “last weekend while we were actually out on date night and having a nice dinner, my husband told me that he wanted to separate for a while. He said that he has been going through an identity crisis and he is not sure what he wants anymore, but he thinks he needs the space to figure it out. I will admit right now that I did not take it well. I pretty much made a scene in the restaurant and cried and carried on. We didn’t even finish our dinner. And the whole way home, I told him what a separation was going to cost us. It was going to cost him to be away from his children and it was going to cost me having to do everything on my own. I told him that he was making a selfish and devastating decision. That night, he didn’t take my comments too well. He became angry and said that he’s tired of living his life for every one else and that he wasn’t going to do that for more second. He said I would either live with it willingly or not, but he wasn’t changing his mind because of my ‘overly emotional reaction.’ Actually, we didn’t speak to each other for days after that. But for the past two days, he can’t do enough for me. He has been so nice and sweet. He fixed things around the house that I have been nagging him about for months. But he’s made no mention of any talk about the separation. I can only assume that he is still going forward, so I don’t get why he’s being so nice. Is his kindness just to get me to accept the separation with more willingness? Because I don’t care how nice he is to me. That is not going to happen.”

It’s impossible for me to predict what your husband’s strategy might be – if he even has one. But there are a couple of possibilities here.

He May Want To Maintain A Good Relationship: Sometimes, people vow to stay on good terms while they are separated, knowing that it is better for everyone involved and it will keep the possibility of a reconciliation open. After all, he himself has indicated that he’s just looking for time to sort some things out. He may well find that his marriage is not the problem and, if that is the case, then he likely does not want to be on bad terms with you.

He May Be Seeing Your Point Of View: Also, he may have thought about the situation more and he may have realized that you have some validity to what you are saying. It is asking a lot when your spouse just all of a sudden announces that they need time and they are going to leave you on your own for a while to pick up the pieces. So, he may be being nice about the whole thing because there is a little guilt at play and he is genuinely concerned about how you are feeling and how you will fare while he is gone.

Maybe He Isn’t Sure What He Wants: There is one other possibility. He may be reconsidering. He may have decided that he doesn’t want a separation after all but he doesn’t yet know how to broach this topic.  Perhaps he’s just trying to be pleasant so he can get a sense of how you feel about this.

So how do you know which option you are looking at? Well, you could ask him if you don’t think it will cause an argument or contribute to him being defensive. But, you could also just act equally pleasant and wait and see. If he doesn’t want to separate after all, then this will come up soon enough.

If it turns out that he is moving forward with the separation, at least you will be on good terms. Never underestimate the importance of that. It’s very easy to never gain any traction during your separation if you can’t work with your husband.  It’s easy to react to anger instead of reacting to each other.

I know that you want to understand WHY he is acting as he is, but I think that right now, it’s more important that, regardless of why, he is being receptive and accomodating. This hopefully means that you may not separate after all. But if you do, at least this is something on which you can build. I know first hand, that having that “in” so you can start building is vital. Without it, a reconciliation is much more difficult.

For the first part of my separation, I constantly felt suspicious of my husband and I was constantly trying to wear him down.  I did a lot of damage to my marriage before I realized that this was never going to work.  I had to join sides with him rather than being on opposing sides.  This made all the difference. You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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