Leslie Cane Articles

I often get correspondence from people (usually wives) who want to tell me some facts about their marriage and then ask me if I think it’s too late to save it.  Frankly, I suspect that about 99.9% of them are hoping that I’ll say the answer is no, it’s not too late.

Honestly, I wouldn’t tell anyone it’s too late to save their marriage.  That’s not for me to say and, I think it’s rarely too late if you’re willing to work at it and to try new things.  In the following article, I’ll tell you why.

Sometimes, You Think It’s Too Late To Save Your Marriage And It Really Isn’t:  Much of the time people tell me that they fear it’s too late for them because they fight all the time or because their spouse moved out, asked for a separation, or filed divorce papers.

And frankly, all of these things make it more difficult to save your marriage, but they don’t make it impossible -not by a long shot.  If you’re fighting with each other all of the time, at least there’s some emotion left.  Your both getting upset proves that you actually still care enough and are invested enough to be affected one way or another.

And, I’ve seen people get their marriages back together even after they’d divorced, separated, moved out or countless other things.  It’s not a rare occurrence. And what many of these couples have in common is something or someone changed their perceptions about each other or the marriage, which leads me to my next point.

Saving Your Marriage When You Think It’s Too Late Involves Not Giving Up – Even When You Think You Can’t Do It:  I will admit that my husband served me with divorce papers, I was ready to give up.  In fact, I was so crushed that I eventually went a good distance away to spend some time with my family.  And, much to my surprise, when I came back, he started to show a little interest again.

There was a part of me that didn’t want to get my hopes up and just give up because I knew the divorce was already set into motion.  But there was another part of me that was saying in the back of my mind “this is your marriage we’re talking about.  This is forever.  You can’t just give up now.  Are you prepared to let him walk out of your life forever?”

I wasn’t. And now I’m so grateful I didn’t give up or just declare that all of my efforts were going to be too little too late.  It’s natural to have doubts.  You may even see the writing on the wall.  And you may not even believe that it’s going to be possible.  But the second you give up, that’s precisely when it’s not possible.  Because it’s at that point that you’ve taken yourself out of the game. You can’t win if you’re not playing.

When you stop trying, you’re conceding defeat.  But I believe as long as you are both still alive and you haven’t given up, there’s always a chance.

Does this mean you should keep trying even when things look bleak?  I can’t answer that question for you.  Only you know if the marriage has the potential to be a good one that would ultimately make you happy once it is repaired.  I can only tell you that it’s likely not too late to save it if at least one of you is still invested and hasn’t given up.

Just Wanting To Save Your Marriage Before It’s Too Late Isn’t Always Enough:  So now that I’ve gone on and on about how I rarely think it’s too late, I have to tell you that actually saving your marriage usually involves more than just wishful thinking.

Sure, you can vow to not give up, but you’ll usually need to actually take some measured action so that you’re not just relying on luck or fate.  When I say this, people often assume that I mean they have to solve or work on the problems that made their marriage a struggle in the first place.

This really isn’t what I mean – at least not yet.  Because often, if your marriage is on the verge of ending, it’s not strong enough to withstand all that scrutiny and “work.”  No, what I mean instead is that you need to put all of the problems aside for now (just for a little while) and reconnect.

You need to reestablish your bond and rediscover those things that brought you together in the first place.  You may have to do this very gradually, depending on the state of your marriage today.  But honestly, when you feel very connected to and invested in your spouse, then your problems are much more easily worked through.

But if you try to slog through your problems before either of you are feeling a true connection, then you’re more likely to get frustrated, think nothing is going to work, and throw up your hands.  Set yourself up for gradual success rather than for abrupt failure.

This is something I wish I had known in my own marriage. I pushed far too early and this costs me dearly.  I know that a more gradual and measured approach requires more faith.  But it also is much more likely to succeed in my experience.

I know that you probably have doubts about saving your marriage.  But here’s the thing.  You will never know if you don’t try.  What do you really have to loose?  If you fail, then you will know you gave it your all so that you’ll at least have some closure.  But if you succeed, you’ll save what is likely one of the most important relationships in your life.  To me, that’s most definitely worth it.

I’m grateful every day that, at least when it really counted, I didn’t believe it was too late to save my marriage.  There were some difficult days and starts and stops, but our marriage is very solid today. I had to use a little finesse and there was a bit of trickery involved, but my strategy eventually worked.  You can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com .  I’m certainly no expert but a good resource by an expert is Amy Wasserman’s free e course.  You can get information about that on the side of this blog.

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