Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: One of the reasons that people separate instead of getting a divorce is that at least one of them is hoping that things might change or improve. However, within those hopes, there can be serious doubts that actual change will take place when you’re talking about adult people who are set in their ways. There can also be a question about whether it’s morally right to expect this type of change.

A wife might say, “I want to save my marriage. I really do. But even I have to admit that for this to happen, so much has to change. My husband is very resentful of me. He says that I make his life miserable with my constant worries and anxieties. He says I hover over him as a mother would. I think this is a bunch of hyperbole. And the truth is that my husband is somewhat irresponsible, so if I just let him do what he wants, we’d be broke. Of course, he wants me to change. He wants a wife that allows him to do what he wants. And part of me wants him to change. I want a husband who is willing to collaborate. But, when I look at this objectively, I realize that what we are really doing is asking one another to change who we are at our cores. I’m never going to be able to pretend that I am not a cautious person. And my husband will never learn to be a cautious person. So are we just supposed to pretend to take on new roles? Is this even realistic? Is it fair?”

You’re somewhat right. What you’re describing isn’t exactly realistic. However, what you’re describing doesn’t actually need to happen to save your marriage. To save it, you’ll need to focus on something else entirely. I’ll explain more below. 

It’s Very Hard to Change the Core of Who You Really Are. Nor Should You Want To:  

When I was separated, I was fully ready to completely change who I was if that suited my husband. I’m not proud of that now. And I’d like to think I’d handle things differently today. But quite frankly, I was so scared of losing my husband and my marriage that I would have been willing to grow wings if that’s what it took. 

Still, I know that if I tried to change who I was, it wouldn’t have worked in the long term. One issue for us was that I’m very introverted, and my husband isn’t. It wasn’t an issue at all when we were dating, but it became an issue after we grew apart.

I know myself well enough to know that I’m never going to become the life of the party. Yet, I was willing to pretend I was if that is what it took. I tried that a few times, and it was disastrous.  

But you know what? I’m still married today and I am still just as introverted, and my husband is still just as extraverted. So what changed? Our intentions and our attitudes changed.  

It’s All About Intentions and a Spirit of Compromise:  

So what happened between our separation and now? Quite a bit. But, I’ll try to keep this short. When I finally realized that I had to play a long game during my separation, I began to understand that neither of us was going to change who we were deep inside. So something else had to change. And one thing that I could change was my willingness to compromise. 

There is always a way where both spouses can have some of what you want some of the time. And if you want to stay married, you can certainly find a way to be happy with that. My husband and I sit down at the beginning of each month and discuss the things we want to do socially that month. That way, there are no more resentments. And we split the weekends right down the middle. For half, we do what he wants. For the other half, we do what I want. And neither of us sulks anymore when it isn’t our weekend. We know that it’s equitable. And we know this is what it takes to make one another happy.

I am happy when my husband is enjoying himself. So I can go outside of my comfort zone every once in a while. In this wife’s case, she could vow to back off of her husband a little more if he were willing to discuss large decisions with her before he took action. Honestly, when you view things in the spirit of compromise, everything changes. 

Do you know what else might change everything? Understanding WHY your differences matter so much now when they didn’t before. Why are your differences enhancing when you are dating and dividing when you’ve been married for a while? Intimacy. You have to get at least some of it back, which leads me to my next point.

Restoring at Least Some of the Intimacy is Going to Make Your Goal Much Easier to Achieve:  

Another thing that took me too long to figure out during my own separation was that when the intimacy is waning, your differences are magnified. The difference when you are dating and married for some time is often intimacy.

I’m not blaming anyone for this. It happens to the best marriages. Life is stressful and all-encompassing. It competes with your marriage, and you will have to be very deliberate to get it back. 

But if you can get even some of the intimacy back, you’ll find that the differences begin to not matter as much. If you can laugh and connect with your husband again, I promise he won’t be picking apart your personality nearly as much.

I know that it sounds like I’m asking a lot when you’re separated. Although I admit that it is a challenge to restore intimacy under these circumstances, it’s not always impossible. But you have to be willing to go slowly and gradually. Some days you may have to just settle for getting a laugh or a smile out of your husband. Other days, it might just be a pleasant conversation.

You have to be willing to build on a small platform. But I know from experience that if you keep building slowly, you can get there.  If it helps, you can read about how I slowly but surely got there and saved my marriage at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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