Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  If you have children and you are separated, it’s nearly impossible for them not to be affected by this or not to have an opinion about it.  After all, they live in the home too.  And they have eyes and ears.  No matter how much you might try to shield them from what is going on in your marriage, they may know at least some of what is happening – simply because you share the same space and they see and experience many of your interactions with your spouse.

That means that if there is any type of reconciliation on the horizon, they are going to have an opinion about it, which can certainly confuse things. Someone might say: “I guess that there is no nice way to describe this, but my husband and I are separated because he had a midlife crisis.  My husband has always been a pretty nice, easy going guy.  But once he went through his midlife crisis, nothing at home made him happy.  He became constantly critical and nasty.  He acted like it was torturous for him to be around me and the kids.  He said he wanted to leave, but I was scared so I begged him to stay and kind of made a fool of myself.  There is no question that this diminished my kids’ respect for me, and I’m pretty embarrassed about that.  After only four weeks of being separated, it appears that my husband has come to his senses.  He freely admits that he was acting like a jerk.  He wants to come home.  I want that very much, too.  I have missed him terribly.  But the kids object to this.  They don’t want to go through all of the fighting again.  They don’t want to see me demean myself again.  Of course, my hope is that it wouldn’t come to any of that.  My hope is that he will come home and act like his old self.  And it might matter that my husband isn’t my children’s biological father.  They have never been all that close to him, but they tolerated him before.  Now, they don’t seem as willing to do that because he has kind of messed up their trust. Is it okay for him to come back home if the kids object and are upset?”

Easing Into The Transition So That Objections Don’t Ruin Your Reconciliation: You don’t need anyone’s permission.  It is your marriage.  However, since the kids live with you and their attitudes may well have an impact on your household and on your marriage, it might be optimal to listen to them and to involve them.  Also, kids can be very perceptive. They could possibly be seeing something that you aren’t, although I would never advocate allowing your children to make marital decisions for you. Still, doesn’t it make sense to ease everyone into this transition?

I can tell you from experience that a reconciliation can be hard enough – even when everyone is rooting for you.  So anything that you can do to make this more comfortable for everyone is going to be of benefit – and it’s going to give your reconciliation a better chance of being successful.  I think that family counseling would be a great idea.  This will help both your family and your marriage and would lay a wonderful foundation for him coming home. It will also give you more confidence that the reconciliation is going to to work.

Another thing that I can wholeheartedly recommend (and I did this myself during my own separation) is to ease into the transition.  It’s better to let him spend some nights at home and then perhaps go to weekends if all goes well.  This allows you to see how it goes and to address any issues that come up.  It also decreases the pressure.  If you have to back track or regroup, you can do so.  You can fix any issues BEFORE he actually moves back in – when the stakes are going to be much, much higher.

Also, him coming back and spending some temporary time at home may not be as objectionable to the kids.  Plus, this allows them to see that things really are going to be okay.  That way, when it comes time for him to permanently move back in, they are more likely to welcome him with open arms because they have seen – for themselves – that your husband is back to being himself again and that he has done the work to make this right.

Understand That The Kids Are Reacting To Fear: This gradual pace will usually be enough to overcome their fears.  After all – that is the crux of the whole thing.  They are afraid.  They are afraid of watching their mom getting hurt and of living in chaos again.  So if you can literally show them (in a gradual way) that this isn’t going to happen and that there is no need for their fear – you will likely see them withdraw their objections.  Children generally want their parents to be happy.  But they also want to live in a loving household without drama.  Show them that this is possible (without forcing it on them too soon) and you will likely see them completely change their attitude.

As I alluded to, even though there came a point where I could have perhaps rushed in getting my husband to move back in, I was so afraid of failure that I forced myself to go at a more gradual pace.  I’ve never regretted this because our reconciliation actually worked.  That may not have happened if we had rushed it. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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