Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who aren’t quite sure about boundaries during their martial or trial separation. Many are very clear on the fact that they are hoping that this separation will only be temporary. In a perfect world, they are hoping that they will be able to work things out with their spouse so that the marriage can come out not only in tact, but actually better. These folks are very clear on the fact that they still love their spouse and they still want to be married.

But what they aren’t as sure about is how their spouse feels in return and if, because of this doubt, they should share their true feelings. Many would feel quite comfortable continuing to tell their separated spouse that they love them. But they aren’t sure if it is appropriate or if it is going to make things even more awkward.

I might get a comment like: “my husband moved out about three weeks ago. He is the one who felt that it would be best if we separated. He says that he still loves me. He says that this will never change. But what he isn’t sure about it whether or not he still wants to be married. He has gone through a lot of changes in his life and with his health. And he’s trying to live his life as though he’s not tied down. I get that, but this separation is really hurting me. When I talk to my husband, it feels so weird to know that he’s not right in the next room – like he should be. It’s so odd to have to talk to him on the phone instead of in our home. And, sometimes, in our phone conversations, I will just naturally want to tell him that I love him because that is always the way that we have always ended a conversation. But I have stopped myself because I’m not sure how he will react. I don’t want to push. But I feel like it’s perfectly natural for me to tell my husband that I love him. Because I do. And it feels odd to pretend that I don’t.”

I am not sure that anyone expects for you to pretend that you don’t love your husband. Every one would likely know that this isn’t true anyway. I certainly don’t have all of the answers. But I can tell you my opinion which is mostly based on what happened during my own separation. I think that the words that will be appropriate to use in the separation really does depend upon what is happening between you during it. Many couples are very clear that they still love each other very much and are only going through a temporary break that is going to end. Those couples will sometimes very freely express loving words and phrases and both are very comfortable with it.

Other couples find themselves holding back on phrases of love because their future isn’t quite as certain. Sometimes, this silent stance comes from only one of the spouses and sometimes, both hold back. This was the case with me. I did start out telling my husband that I loved him. But, I could not help but notice that he didn’t answer me. Or, he would occasionally say that he loved me too but then he would abruptly leave and would clearly be uncomfortable. After a while, it became obvious to me that I needed to back off. And this included all of the talks of love, loneliness, and desperation. Because bringing these things up just wasn’t helping my cause. I did still love my husband. Very much. But I noticed that my constantly declaring it was just making things awkward.

So I decided that, just for a little while, I would back away just to see what happened. And I was very pleased with the result. Backing off took away the pressure and this allowed us to interact in another way. It was a slow process, but it gradually allowed for us to connect again.

Now, I have no way of knowing if your situation is like mine. You may well be one of those couples who are completely comfortable expressing love for the entire duration of your separation. If you have faith that your husband will declare that he loves you just as much as you love him, then I see no harm in saying the words, unless something changes.

But, if you suspect that your husband might react negatively or feel awkward about your declaring your love, then I don’t think there is anything wrong with holding off on the words, especially since the words are often unspoken. I think that not being as transparent is something necessary when things are already awkward or up in the air. I know that many might disagree with me. But I can only tell you what I observed myself and I can only say that it was obvious that things improved once I backed away from this response.

So my inclination is to say that I think the answer to this question really depends on the nature of your relationship now. If it’s obvious that he’s going to react favorably to your saying I love you, then I don’t see a problem. But, if you have some doubts as to how he might respond, then I would wait to see if perhaps he will say it first or until it’s more clear what direction you are going in, simply because you don’t want to add awkwardness to the situation.

As I alluded to, there was a time when it was necessary for me to stop constantly declaring my love during the separation.  I was very afraid of this.  Because I worried that if I didn’t hold on very tightly, then he would slip away.  But honestly, the opposite happened.  I loosened my grip and he came closer.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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