Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people are dealing with a separation wasn’t their idea and, deep down, they are opposed to it. They are hoping to get the separation over with as soon as possible so that they can get on with the business of saving their marriage.

Because of our very poor economy, many couples decide not to live apart while they are separated. Many decide to wait until they have decided whether or not they are going to divorce before making any decision regarding who is moving out and when. And while many of the couples don’t have much of a choice about still living together during the marital or trial separation, they worry if it is the right or best thing to do.

Here’s an example: “For the past several months, my husband has been telling me that he is unhappy with our marriage and he wants to explore a separation. I didn’t want the separation, but what was I supposed to do? We can’t afford for him to get an apartment while he is trying to sort out his feelings. So he wants to continue to live together while we are separated. When I told my mother about this, she said that it was a crazy idea. She said that he will have no incentive to end the separation if we are still living together. He won’t be able to miss me or long for me or see what is he missing while he choosing to live alone. She offered to let me stay with her during the separation. Is she right? Is it OK to continue to live with your spouse when you are separated? Is it a good idea? The idea of living with my mother doesn’t appeal to me in the least.”

Consider The Pros Of Cons Of Living Together During The Separation: There isn’t one definitive answer to these questions. But there are some pros and cons of continuing to live together during your separation.

On the plus side, when you continue to live together, you don’t have to worry about luring your husband back home. You may not realize what a great advantage this is, but many wives have a very difficult time getting their husband back home once he has left. You are potentially able to avoid this obstacle if he remains in your home.

Another plus is that you have more access to your husband. You will have an easier time communicating and reconnecting with him than you would if he was living somewhere else. Also, psychologically speaking, many people tell me that the separation does not feel as final or as extreme when the couple is still living together.

Finally, you can’t ignore the monetary aspect of this. Supporting a whole additional household when you aren’t sure if you’re staying together or not can be quite expensive. You could spend that money on counseling, going somewhere fun together to reconnect, or on many other things.

With all of these things said, there can be some cons to living together while separated. The first is that this wife’s mother had a valid point. Being apart can encourage people to miss one another and to no longer take one another for granted. When something is scarce, it is just human nature to want it more. This can work to your advantage when you’re separated and trying to save your marriage.

Another con to consider is that it can be very difficult to give your spouse the “space” that is often requested during a separation when you are still living with them. People often contact me because they are very frustrated that their spouse is not respecting their need for space. I can understand both points of view. Because unless you are going to split the house right down the middle, this situation can be difficult to navigate.

Finally, I find that people who have an in-house separation are less likely to seek help or resources which might aid them in saving their marriage because the situation doesn’t seem as immediate to them as it might if they were living apart from their spouse. It’s risky to forego the help that might actually be the difference in saving your marriage.

Tips For Making Your  Separation More Successful If One Of You Isn’t Moving Out: So now that you’ve read through the pros and cons, you may be asking yourself what is the best course of action. This is only my opinion, but I feel that the live-in separation can and does work when it is navigated correctly.

It is important that you give the space that has been asked for. It’s equally important that your spouse has the chance to miss you and to feel that scarcity. I felt that in this case, it might be a good idea for this wife to stay with her mom, but only for a little while.  The right time frame is just long enough to give her husband the chance to miss her and want for her to come home. If she was resistant to this, she could always move into another room of their house and respect her husband’s privacy, but this is sometimes easier said than done.

I cannot stress enough that you should take the separation seriously and do whatever you can to find resources or the help that is going to give you the tools to save your marriage. Just waiting for things to blow over or hoping that your husband changes his mind is not always going to be good enough. Be very proactive and remain positive. Give yourself every chance to succeed without being overly afraid of failure. Remember that you are still married and still have the opportunity to live together. These are both positive things. You just have a little work to do. So don’t hesitate to get started so that your marriage will be back on track as soon as is possible.

My own husband was not receptive to living at home during our separation.  It might have saved us a lot of time and aggravation if he had.  We did save our marriage, but not without a lot of turmoil and wasted time.  If it helps, you can that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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