Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who come to the conclusion that perhaps they shouldn’t be an open book in terms of their feelings and emotions while they are separated. Usually, they have noticed that their spouse pulls away from them as soon as they discuss how much they miss him or how much they really want to get back together. So over time, they can learn to reign in their feelings and to make sure they aren’t telling their spouse about every experience or doubt that they are experiencing.

But this goes counter to what many spouses want to do. Many people want to be open and honest with their spouse, even during their separation. They worry that anything else is just being dishonest or playing games. Common comments would be something like: “I am very clear on the fact that I want to save my marriage. I understand that my husband has initiated a separation and that it’s possible that my marriage is in real trouble. At the same time, I feel like I’ve made some real changes in my marriage and to myself. I am respecting my husband’s request for space and privacy. But at the same time, I’m only biding my time. I’m simply waiting until the time is right to approach my husband about reconciling. I’m allowing for things to calm down and I’m hoping that my giving him more space will improve our relationship. My whole plan is to get him back. Any action that I am taking right now is solely for the purpose of saving my marriage. A couple of my friends say that I should not be so obvious about this. But I feel that keeping all of this from my husband is sort of game playing and being deceitful. Is it OK to be open and honest during your separation? Or do you keep your cards close to your chest and pretend to feel in a way that you don’t?” I will try to address these questions in the following article.

I have a definite opinion on this, but I have to be honest and tell you that I base that same opinion on what has worked for me and has worked for others who comment on my blog. Of course , every situation is different. What worked for me may not work for you and vice versa. But my personal opinion is that you should not out and out lie or represent something that is blatantly incorrect. During my own separation, there is absolutely no way that I could have convinced my husband that I wasn’t completely committed to saving our marriage. There was no way that he would ever have believed me if I had pretended otherwise. So it was always clear that my ultimate goal was to save my marriage. And yes, I was very open about that because any other claim would not have been believable.

But there was a time when I make a very conscious decision to not cling so tightly because it was very clear that my doing so was only frustrating my husband and encouraging him to distance himself from me. So I held back when I wanted to ask my husband what he was feeling or I wanted to tell my husband how much I missed him. And you know what? I started to see that he was, ever so slightly, just a little more receptive to me when we would communicate.

Around that time, my family was worried about me and they were asking me to come home, even if for a short while. So I decided that no harm could come out of a visit and I even hoped that it might help things a little bit. I figured if I wasn’t in the same town as my husband, then it might be easier for me to hang back and give him his time. I obviously wouldn’t have the urge to drive by since I would be so far away. This actually helped even more than my hanging back. And eventually, I found that my husband reached out to me instead of the other way around.

With all of this said, I was very open about wanting to save my marriage. I never claimed that I had changed my mind about that. I did shift my focus because I had to. And my husband obviously noticed this. I did take the extra time to work on myself and I let him know about this. And when I went out with friends, I certainly didn’t mind if it got back to him. But I wasn’t pretending that I didn’t care we were separated or that I didn’t care if we reconciled. He knew that I cared very much.

I honestly think that there’s a very fine line here. And I think that you can be honest about ultimately wanting to save your marriage in the future while at the same time being a bit realistic in the present. If he wants and needs for you to back off some or to not ask what he’s feeling every time that you talk, I think that you can respect that and you can back off and prioritize yourself and your own healing without needing to pretend that you didn’t wish that things were different.

So to directly answer the question posed, yes I think that it’s fine to be open about your wishes about saving your marriage. But I also think that sometimes it’s obvious that you need to back away. In other words, I’m not so sure that you want to be so open that you’d say “well, I’m only giving you space because I have to.” Instead, you’d want to say “you know that I’d like to save our marriage, but it’s obvious that you need some space and I respect that. I’ll use the time to work on myself and to try to evaluate what I want and need right now as well.”

Hopefully, you see the difference. Admittedly, it’s a very small difference, but sometimes, it makes quite the impact. At least it did for me.  If you’d like to read more about how I used this strategy, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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