Leslie Cane Articles

Many of the wives who reach out to me very much want to keep in regular contact with their separated husbands. Many of them never wanted the separation to begin with, and only begrudgingly or reluctantly gave in because they perceived that there was really no choice. Unfortunately, not all husbands cooperate regarding communication. In fact, many husbands keep both a physical and emotional distance. Understandably, wives want to know if this is normal behavior and, if not, what can be done to change a husband’s mind?

A wife might complain, “right now I am living in my worst-case scenario. Last year, my husband started complaining about being unhappy with our marriage. He started to hint that he might want to step back from me. I tried everything in my power to talk him out of this. I tried to improve our marriage, but he was unreceptive. I tried to get him to go to counseling, but he would not even consider it. All he wanted to do was to get a break from me. So he moved out. I pressured him to keep in contact with me. He indicated that he would ‘try.’ Well, now we are in the middle of a pandemic. And I rarely hear from him. I try to call, and he doesn’t pick up. I text, and I might get a one-line reply. I’ve even gone by his place, but he gets his roommate to answer the door and tell me that he is not home. He finally responded to an email that I sent by writing, ‘Please respect my need for space right now.’ I suspect that he is depressed, but I have no idea how to reach him. He acts as if I am asking for the moon and stars. I am only asking for very basic communication from a man who is still my spouse. But he acts as if my requests are abnormal. Are they? Is it normal for a couple not to communicate when they are separated?”

Why It’s Difficult To Define Normal: I am not sure that there is an agreed-upon definition of “normal communication” during a separation. Couples consist of very different people with varying goals. From the couples who I’ve interacted with (and from my own experience), most couples try to keep in some contact. Most of the time, the spouse who is more invested in the marriage feels that the contact is not enough, while the spouse who wants space would like more time away. Plus, there is a small subset of separations that have no communication at all. This is largely due to a volatile situation or severe anger. With this situation, the spouses really can’t communicate without things deteriorating so they do not communicate at all. Thankfully, this is a small subset of couples, at least from my observation.

That said, COVID 19 or the Coronavirus has ensured that none of us are living in “normal times.” We are in uncharted territory right now. That is true even of happily married couples in ideal circumstances.

Normal Versus Ideal: Still, I would call it ideal, and very important, to try to maintain some regular form of communication, even and especially during this pandemic. Maintaining intimacy and commitment can be a big challenge while you are separated. To keep that going, you are going to need to talk, text, or ideally, see one another. I understand that in some places, the virus means that you are quarantined and cannot leave except for an emergency. In those situations, you may not be able to see your spouse face-to-face. But you can keep in touch in the same way that so many of us are keeping in touch with loved ones and family members – via phone calls, facetime, Skype, Zoom, and the like.

When He Doesn’t Seem Willing To Communicate: I know that you may be thinking, “yes, I understand that the technology is available that would allow my separated husband and I to stay connected or to keep in touch. But all of this assumes that he is willing. But he is not. I can’t force him to text or talk to me. So, what now?”

I was in these shoes. And I remember how frustrating and painful it was. But I learned to not give up or to give in. That said, being determined doesn’t mean being so hard-headed that you drive your separated spouse further into hiding by pushing too hard. I learned this lesson the hard way and it almost cost me dearly. This means that sometimes you have to take what he gives you at the time. And then try again when he is more receptive. Right now, that might mean that you give a quick text like, “Just making sure that you are okay?” And accept a response as a victory.

Wait a while and try again. Eventually, he may become more receptive. As he sees you respecting his space, loneliness may kick in. Perspectives can then change. Just accept a gradual and low-pressure pace and I promise this will very likely make your life much easier. Pushing may feel right at the time, but it almost always makes things worse.

One more thing. I don’t think it’s possible to overstate that we are living in severely difficult times. I know people with wonderful marriages and close family relationships who are sort of withdrawing from the world right now. This doesn’t mean that they don’t adore their loved ones or aren’t committed. They just need to retreat for a short amount of time to process all of this. There is a chance that this is what you’re husband is going through now. Give it some time and patience. Do not react with panic because this will cause your behaviors to deteriorate, which will only make the distance between you worse.

To answer the original question. It’s not ideal to not communicate while you are separated. It sometimes happens when the situation is very volatile and the spouses can’t communicate cordially. However, for most situations, the spouses do attempt to communicate, although they rarely agree on how often is appropriate, especially when the separation is new.

It is to your benefit to gently encourage more communication without pressing too much. This can be a delicate balance. But you cannot reestablish intimacy and reconcile without communication, so understand that sporadic and light communication is better than none at all, and it is something upon which you can build if you are careful and clever about it.  You can read about how I finally learned to play the game better and be clever at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin