Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who have been fed the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” line that many husbands will give when they aren’t sure if they want to be married anymore.  This is a very common topic that comes up time and time again.  Many of the wives have trouble understanding what this truly means and they wonder if it is the true reason that the husband wants a break, a separation, or a divorce.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my friends say that my husband’s ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ spiel is just all a cop-out or an excuse for the fact that he just doesn’t want to be married to me anymore.  They say that he’s trying to let me down easy with his words and that he’s trying to sugarcoat the fact that he doesn’t want me anymore.  They say he’s trying to spare my feelings or hide the fact that there might be someone else.  I don’t know what to believe anymore.  All I know is that we have two beautiful children and that, as late as a couple of months ago, he was telling me that he loved me on a daily basis.  And now suddenly he’s not in love with me anymore.  How does this make sense?  So are my friends right?  Are his words a cop-out or an excuse?”  I’ll tell you my take on this in the following article.

A Husband Isn’t Always Lying Or Seeking A Cop Out When He Says He Loves You But Isn’t ‘In Love’ With You, But He Might Be Leaving Some Things Out: I believe that this assertion has become so common that many of us automatically think that it’s a lie or oversimplification when we hear it.  But, I do dialogue with some of the men who say these words and I have to tell you that many of them believe what they are saying.  Sure, occasionally there are other factors at play like a loss of physical attraction, a wish to change lifestyles, or a belief that life is going to better without the wife in it, but this isn’t always the case.

And, often the core words do hold some level of the truth.  I often hear from men who say things like “the spark is gone between us.  I love her because she is the mother of my children and we have been together for many years.  She knows me better than anyone and she has always been there for me, but I no longer feel the passion for her that I used to feel.”  Many wives cringe when they hear these words.  They think that if the passion or the “love” is gone, then the marriage must be dead too.  But, this isn’t always the case either.

See, if you dig a little deeper, you’ll generally find that there are circumstances surrounding these words.   People seem to overwhelmingly think that love, passion, or some chemical feelings that just happen to appear when things are “right” and then just magically disappear when things are “wrong.”  But, rarely does either of them stop to think about the circumstances that were at play.  And it’s even less common that either of them put 2 and 2 together to realize that just maybe if they address and then change the circumstances, then the feelings will also change right along with those circumstances.

Often, you’ll find that, somewhere along the line, the couple stopped prioritizing quality time together and as a result grew apart, felt a shift, and looked around to see that the chemistry or spark was gone.  As a result, one of them begins to think that they are no longer “in love” with their spouse.  And yet, they realize that the person hasn’t really changed.  They will still tell you that they love their spouse the person.  But, what they’re not ‘in love’ with is the feelings that they and their spouse are generating at the moment.  They can look at how things are now and contrast them with the way things used to be, and they see and feel a void.  Does this mean the love is gone, never to return?  Not in my opinion and experience.

What Can You Do To Change Things When Your Husband Says He’s No Longer In Love With You?: This is truly the core question that many people ask too late.  Many will ask me how falling out of love is possible.  They’ll ask me if their husband is stretching the truth or copping out when he says he’s no longer “in love.”  But rarely do they ask me what they can do to change his perception.

Look around and take inventory of your marriage.  You will often find some neglect and some stressors.  In other words, somewhere along the line, you cut back on the date nights, the spontaneous affection and laughter and got into some habits and routines that, although comfortable and understandable, were not so great for your marriage.  Sometimes, once you’re on this comfortable but destructive path, along come some stressors to damage your marriage even further.  Now, if you were still closely bonded and deeply connected, these stressors might not have shaken your marriage to the core.  But since the bond is faltering and the intimacy is wavering, the little things become big things and eventually one of you looks around and thinks that, because of all of these worrisome changes, the feeling of being “in love” is gone.

The good news is that even if this has already happened and even if it’s only now that you’re realizing what has truly happened, it’s not always too late to change things.  Even if you can’t always pinpoint exactly where things went wrong, you can often turn your attention to the neglect and the perceptions.  You can do everything in your power to address and hopefully change the circumstances that lead to the decline.  You can show your husband the woman who used to make him laugh and who used to give him her undivided attention and support during times of stress.

During particularly stressful times, people often turn on each other when, in reality, they could be each other’s greatest source of strength and support.  Now is the time to remember this and to be the one to take action rather than just watching helplessly as the love that you’ve built and worked so hard for moves further and further away.  Feelings don’t just evaporate overnight.  But the circumstances that surround them can cause them to fade and waiver.  Focus on the circumstances and the feelings will often return.

I understand how you feel, because a couple of years ago, I was hit with the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” reasoning. But eventually, I learned that my husband had fallen out of love with the relationship instead of falling out of love with me. I was able to use this knowledge to change course, return my husband’s love and save the marriage (when I was the only one interested in doing so at the time.) You can read the rest of the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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