Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who aren’t sure what their relationship should be with their separated husband. On the one hand, they are thrilled to continue to be close, cordial, and friendly. On the other hand, they have well-meaning folks telling them that they’re too nice or too accessible. 

As an example, I might hear a comment like, “one of the biggest reasons that my husband and I are separated is that he is struggling emotionally. He has gone through a huge amount of trauma in the last few months, through no fault of his own. So he feels that it is best if he is on his own for a while. Obviously, I am very concerned about him. I call him regularly, just to check-in. I am more than happy to allow him to talk and vent for as long and as often as he needs to. I want to be there for him, just as I’d expect him to still be there for me. And until yesterday, I felt fine about this. But then one of my friends asked me why I was making myself so available to him, and why I was ‘always waiting for his call.’ I told her that I am always available for everyone I care about it, including friends like her. She responded that my husband is not my friend; he is my separated spouse, who initiated the separation. I see that she’s suggesting that I limit my availability so that my husband doesn’t take me for granted. But I am not sure that this is great advice. I feel like my husband needs all the support that he can get right now. I don’t feel like playing games when he needs me. I don’t have it in my heart to shut him out. Who is right? My friend, or me?” 

The Pros And Cons Of Being Friendly During Your Separation: Here is my opinion, and that is all that is. Plus, I’m not exactly objective. (I went through a separation where I didn’t always have friendly access to my husband.) That’s why my inclination is to think that it is beneficial to maintain a positive, supportive relationship during your separation, and hopefully after it. I can’t imagine anyone who still cares about their spouse denying their spouse support or communication. 

That said, I can see your friend’s line of thinking. Some people do use their separated spouse as a security blanket of sorts when they are fully aware that they have no intention of reconciling. So if you also have a romantic investment in communication, you’ll just want to be aware of this. 

A Friendly, Playful, And Supportive Relationship Can Always Lead To Something Else:  It can be tricky to toe the line between being your husband’s support system and the person who wants to live like a married couple again. You never want your husband to assume that you’re offering your support as a means to get him back. At the same time, you don’t want him to view you as only a friendly presence. That’s why it makes sense to build up to something more when it is natural and feels safe to do so. 

Having such easy access to your husband can certainly have its advantages. I’ve dialogued with many wives with husbands who mostly ignore attempts at communication. You don’t have that disadvantage. So as long as you can maintain this relationship, there may well be an opportunity for this support to eventually turn romantic when the time is right. (But you may have to be quite careful about this. If you push before he is ready, you can jeopardize the support.) 

When It Makes Sense To Allow Him To Set The Pace:  Because this balance is so delicate, I’d suggest allowing him to set the pace in terms of romance. I say this only because my own pushing seriously jeopardized my chances for reconciliation (and reversed my progress) more than once. 

That doesn’t mean that you can’t put out loving and flirty overtures and vibes if and when you feel that he is receptive. But it’s often a good idea to allow the actual moving forward to go at his pace. That way, you’re not pushy too much or too early. You still have the benefits without the risk. 

But to answer the original question, as long as your husband doesn’t think that your friendship is only “an in” to move on to reconciliation, and you don’t feel taken advantage of, I think being friendly and supportive is a positive. 

Conversations about your husband’s issues may eventually give way to other topics that you need to talk about anyway. Keeping the lines of communication open alleviates many of the common separation issues that crop up. 

Frankly, I would have jumped at the chance to be my husband’s friend during my own separation. There were definitely periods of time where he did not see me as a confidant. However, even after I rebuilt our rapport, I had to tread lightly to make the jump to a more romantic relationship.  You can read the rest of that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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