Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Separated wives often complain that their husband is being elusive about his reason for wanting to separate. Many husbands will only give you very vague reasons – like “being unhappy” – for needing time away.

As frustrating as this lack of information is, such vague reasoning seems to imply that all the husband needs is to time to turn the corner on his happiness level so that the marriage can resume and return back to normal. Unfortunately, this isn’t what always happens. Some of these “unhappy” husbands start out wanting a separation, but then end up wanting a divorce.

Often, the wives who so patiently allowed him his time during the separation can feel a bit cheated. They almost feel as if he misrepresented the whole thing. And many feel that just being less than one hundred percent happy during every waking minute is not a valid reason to seek a divorce.

Here’s an example of a common gripe about this. A wife might say: “I am not going to pretend that my husband was secretive or dishonest about being unhappy because he wasn’t. He said from the start that he wanted this separation because he just was not happy in his life and he felt that he needed to be apart from me in order to evaluate if being alone would make him more happy. Honestly, he seemed just as miserable away from me as he did with me. The separation only seemed to increase his discontent with life in general. I actually thought that this might be a good thing. I had hoped that he would see that his unhappiness had nothing to do with our marriage and that although he may need to make some changes in his life, our relationship was not a change that would help. That’s why I’m so surprised that he’s now telling me that he wants a divorce. He says he’s asking for this because he just isn’t happy being married. I so badly want to reply that he just isn’t happy in general and that until he changes his expectations and way of thinking, nothing is going to change that. Plus if I am being honest, I don’t think that just generally being unhappy is a valid reason to end a long marriage and break up a family. My husband’s selfishness is going to negatively effect my children. I mean, there have certainly been times when I have not been happy. But I do not expect constant happiness. And I know that when I am feeling a little blue, then it is my responsibility to change this. I don’t blame my marriage or my husband for my happiness. And I don’t think that isolating myself is going to make me happy. I think that people who seek divorces because of general unhappiness are kidding themselves. And I don’t think that this is a valid reason to get a divorce. Do you agree?”

I will tell you my opinion with one caveat. It really doesn’t matter what I think. What matters is what the person seeking the divorce thinks. Because you and I can tell your husband that he is wrong or not seeing things clearly, but he probably will only get defensive in response and he will want the divorce that much more. (That’s why you have to be crafty about your strategy, but more on that a little later.)

What Is Only My Opinion:  I tend to believe that you owe it to yourself and to your family to only seek a divorce after you have honestly tried to fix what is broken. I agree with specialists who will tell you that you almost have to “earn” your way out. What I mean by this is that if you go to counseling, work on yourself, try to learn new resolution techniques, etc. and you still feel as if your marriage is not healthy for either of you, well, at that point you can at least know that you did everything that you could before you walked away.

But seeking a divorce before you’ve done this work isn’t ideal for anyone – at least in my opinion. As I’ve said before though, it is not my opinion that matters. If your husband truly believes something, then just telling him that he’s wrong or selfish isn’t likely to do you much good. So what will be more effective?

A Strategy That Might Be More Effective Than Telling Him His Reasoning Isn’t Valid: I think that showing someone something is much more effective than telling them something. Right now, it makes sense to try to do things that might make him change his perception on his ability to be happy while you are still in his life. This means getting along better, being uplifting and a positive presence when he is around you, and finding ways to enhance the level of calm and contentment in your home. Also, finding a way to get into counseling will often help him make the progress that would have been impossible otherwise.

Sure, you can tell him that true happiness must come from within, but he isn’t going to believe you because he knows that you don’t want a divorce. So he thinks that you are just making this claim to keep him with you. But if a specialist is telling him the same thing, then the message carries more weight.

Getting him to accept this can be tricky. You might ask him to go to counseling with you just so that the two of you can navigate what is in front of you in a positive way for the sake of your kids. Or you may read a good self help book and tell him you think he may enjoy it. However you try to deliver the message, know that it will be more effective if it comes from someone other than you.

I know that you think he’s wrong and he may well be wrong. But telling or trying to convince someone that they are wrong will often make them just cling to their position more tightly. In my experience, the best strategy here is to try to create an atmosphere of contentment and act as if you too are invested in the happiness of all members of your family.

Because if you can do this, you may show him that he doesn’t need to be away from you to be happy. In fact, he’s more likely to be happy with you in his life than with you outside of it.

Believe me, when my husband was telling me he wasn’t happy, I tried convincing him that he was selfish, mistaken, or just plain wrong.  This only dug the hole deeper and deeper.  Ultimately, I had to show him rather than tell him. You can read how I did this on blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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