Is A Trial Separation Easier For The Spouse Who Moves Out?
By: Leslie Cane: Many people in the middle of a trial separation feel as if they have the tougher side of the situation. Often, the spouse who remains in the home (with all of the responsibilities) feels that the spouse who has moved out (and now seems to have more freedom) has the easier situation.
A wife might say: “about three weeks ago, my husband moved out for a trial separation. I didn’t really want this, but he was relentlessly pushing for it, and it was pretty clear to me that I had no choice but to comply. So I admit that I already have a little resentment that I’ve been forced into a separation. But lately, I’ve been feeling even angrier because I feel like he got the easier end of the deal. He’s living in a low maintenance condo without many responsibilities. He gets to explore living on his own while I’m stuck here with all of the household and parental responsibilities. When I have to drag the trash to the curb, I’m furious. Because I realize that I’m stuck with all of his chores while he’s living a much more carefree lifestyle. The other day, I was at my kid’s sporting events all alone and I realized that there was something extremely wrong with this picture. So I mentioned my resentment to my husband and told him that I felt he was living a very stress-free lifestyle while I was stuck with all of the chores. He got upset and said that I was wrong because he wasn’t having a completely easy time. I don’t believe this for a second. Who is right? Doesn’t the spouse who moves out have an easier time?” I’ll tell you my opinion on this in the following article.
Who Has An Easier Time During The Separation Depends Upon How You Are Looking At It: I will admit that when I was the wife who was living at home without my husband, I strongly felt that he was the one with the easier life. After all, I was the one left to pick up the pieces in our home where everything that I looked at reminded me of him and caused me pain. I thought he was living the fun life in an apartment. But, now that we have long been back together when he talks about those days, he doesn’t talk about them longingly. Sure, there might be some excitement in the initial days of leaving the marital turmoil. But you’re talking about someone who is living somewhere that they know is not their home. Things around them are unfamiliar. They don’t have the family pets or the children to offer them comfort and familiarity.
Yes, the flip side of that is that they also do not have the responsibilities. But many will tell you that they feel extremely guilty about this. Sometimes, they wish that they did have those responsibilities because this would mean that everything would be normal once again. I have to admit that over time, my opinion on this has changed. Very few separated men who I talk to are living a carefree and blissfully happy lifestyle. Many feel conflicted, quite guilty, and unsure as to how they can make their wife see that they aren’t partying and shirking their responsibilities on a daily basis. The truth is, I don’t believe that anyone has a completely easy time during the trial separation. Each person faces some loneliness, some sadness, and a sense of things being foreign.
What Matters More Than Who Is Having The Easier Time: I do completely acknowledge how difficult it is to live alone and to take on the household responsibilities when your husband has moved out. It’s a hard job and your new life can feel extremely devastating. But it can be a mistake to assume that he has it easy or that he is not conflicted or struggling. Keep in mind that he is in a foreign place that will often feel very awkward to him. He is often lonely, guilty, and unsure. He may not always admit this but it is often the case.
And, regardless of who is having the easier time, I’m sure that you would agree that the ideal would be to set all of this score keeping aside so that he can come home and you can save your marriage. And know that if you dwell too much on easy his life is, you might alienate him to the point where he is reluctant to reach out to you or to come home. So, it is important to realize that what is truly important is finding a way to move past this and to move on with your lives and your marriage. So, as difficult as it may be, you are much better off worrying less about how difficult or easy each of you has it, and worrying much more about ending the separation.
When I made it clear that I thought my husband had the easier deal when we were separated, he greatly resented this and it made things much worse between us. I had to back up completely and try a completely new strategy in order to save my marriage. If it helps you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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