Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who are reluctantly separated or on a break wonder how they should refer to their husbands. When you are technically separated and no longer living together, should you still tell people that you are married? Should you still wear your wedding ring? Should you refer to your husband in the past tense? These questions may seem somewhat petty to someone who is on the outside looking in. However, when you are actually in the middle of this scenario, and you are not sure if you’re ready to give up on your marriage, you don’t want to make a mistake.

A wife in this situation might comment, “I have no idea how I am supposed to introduce my separated husband. We are still together sometimes when we have to attend functions with our children. When I have to introduce him to people, I have no idea what I’m supposed to say. Likewise, if he comes up in conversation, I don’t know if I’m supposed to still call him my husband or my ex. I don’t want to misstep because I already feel like I’m on shaky footing. I didn’t want this separation. I don’t want to end my marriage. But I’m not sure if I should call him my husband if he doesn’t feel as if he is. One of my friends said that he is technically my ex. Is he? I’m not ready for that. I don’t want to give up.”

If You Are Still Married, He Is Arguably (And Technically) Not Your Ex: I’m only giving you one person’s take on this topic. And this isn’t a legal opinion, either. But, as someone who has been separated and later reconciled, I never referred to my separated husband as my ex because to me, he never was. Yes, we were separated. Yes, he was not sure how (or if) he wanted to move forward. But we were still married. And, even when things didn’t look good, I definitely still considered him to be my husband. He never corrected me, either.

Options For Deciding How To Refer To Him: Some wives in this situation opt to just ask for clarification. For example, the next time you know you’ll need to introduce him, you could try something like, “You know, this may sound silly. But I sometimes feel unsure of how to address you. To me, you are still my husband. But I know that we are separated. Are you okay with me still introducing you as my husband?”

Another possibility is to follow your husband’s lead. Has he introduced you as his wife? If so, this is a good indication that he would be comfortable with your referring to him as your husband.

Honestly, most people aren’t expecting you to give them any background during a basic introduction.  They aren’t looking to know your personal business. So an explanation is, at least in my opinion, not required.

Deciding How To Proceed With New Realities When You Are Not Ready:  I find that many wives in this situation (myself included) can feel pressured to act in a certain way. You may have friends telling you that you should begin to distance yourself from your marriage. You may have friends telling you that the hope you still harbor is naive and certain to cause you pain. These people often love you and have your best interest at heart.

So it can be very difficult to feel this type of pressure and then proceed forward in alignment with your own truth. It can be tempting to want to put on appearances to satisfy the expectations of others. I can only speak for myself. But, had I done this, I’d likely be divorced today.

But, I knew that I still loved my husband and I was still invested in my marriage. Yes, I had to respect his wish for space. And yes, there was a significant amount of time that I had limited access to him. Things did not look promising for a while. So yes, I had to back up.

But I knew that in my heart, I wasn’t ready to give up. So no, I wasn’t going to refer to him, or even treat him, as my ex. Although I did give him the time he wanted, everyone knew that I was not going to walk out on my marriage until I had absolutely no choice.

This is a distinction that you’ll have to make for yourself. Sure, society will dictate it’s societal norms. Friends and family will have their opinions. And your husband may even set boundaries.

But what you are thinking and feeling inside your mind and your heart? That is under your control alone. No one else should dictate what you think and feel.

Words are just that. But if you are not yet ready to move on, whether with your words or your actions, then in my opinion, unless you are divorced, you don’t have to.  I’m glad that I didn’t.  I got what I wanted – my marriage back.  You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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