Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When your marriage is feeling strong enough to survive, inequality within it is sometimes bearable. You may put off addressing not feeling like your spouse’s equal in the hopes that it gets better. However, if you are separated, you might see this imbalance a little differently. You may think that it needs to be fixed before you can successfully reconcile. And it may become an issue that you interpret as important as the issues that may be separating you.

A wife might say, “my husband and I have been separated for two months. I have always felt that our relationship was somewhat uneven. My husband is more attractive and more successful than I am. I was always aware of this, but it was never an issue when our marriage was going well. He made me feel valued because he valued what I brought to the table. However, once our marriage started to struggle, I started to feel much less valued. And now that we are separated, I do not feel valued at all. My husband has not come out and said this. It is more a feeling and just the sum of my observations. I am the one who has to call him. I am the one who has to make all of the counseling appointments. My husband has gotten a job opportunity that would require a move. He does not seem to be considering me into this equation at all. He acts as if he’s going to take the job and that if we eventually reconcile, I will just uproot my life and follow him. If we talk about doing something, he immediately will consider his tastes and his schedule. It is as if mine does not even matter. He never made me feel ‘less than’ before but now he most definitely is. In subtle and not so subtle ways, he is definitely communicating that his needs and wants are much more important than mine. It’s like if he can fit me into his life, fine. But if he can’t, then he’s more than willing to just move on without a second thought. This hurts. And I don’t know how to bring this to his attention without sounding like I’m complaining or as if I have low self-esteem or am too needy.”

It’s Normal For A Newly-Separated Husband To Want To Put Himself First: This is a very common problem. Many wives who never wanted the separation in the first place feel as if their husband is very quick to put himself first in all matters during the separation. However, before I talk about how to address this, I want to reassure you that it may not be a permanent problem. Many husbands are insistent upon taking their own needs into account and evaluating their own feelings while separated so, as a result of that, you will see behaviors that look very selfish and even downright condescending. However, once your husband decides that he wants to save the marriage and commit to you, then you might see him completely change course on this behavior. He may see that putting himself first got lonely and was not as great as he thought.  As a result, he may quickly abandon this stance. That is why it’s not always the best idea to make a huge deal out of this until you have to.

Taking Your Power Back Without Making Waves: That said, if the issue is really becoming problematic, you can try subtle ways to take your power back which hopefully will not create too many waves. For example, if you feel that he never takes your wishes or feelings into account, intervene to pause that process. If he suggests a restaurant which he knows is not to your liking, then you could say, “that is not going to work for me. How about we compromise and go with ________.” Or, when he talks about his move, you could say something like, “well, I’ll have to take this one step at a time because I obviously would have to think long and hard about moving. But we are probably getting ahead of ourselves by talking about that right now.”

I did this myself during my separation. When I would notice my husband getting this way, I would make myself unavailable a few times. This would usually get his curiosity up and he would treat me with more respect the next time. I kept myself busy with my own interests and made sure that he knew about it.

At the same time, I knew that I could not push too hard and create more drama and tension between us. I tried to keep it light-hearted when I begged off and I tried to avoid nasty confrontations. Because eventually, when my husband I began reconnecting again, he no longer acted this way. He started to make me a priority again and approach me as a large consideration in how he lived his life.

That is why you don’t want to always make this a huge deal – at least not until you are sure that it is a lasting issue. Sometimes, it passes on its own as the novelty of the separation begins to wear off. A newly-separated husband will sometimes want to spread his wings a little too much. But often, you only need to wait this out rather than making more waves between you and creating even bigger problems.

As I alluded to, once I stopped playing the victim and started playing the victor, things changed dramatically.  In fact, this was a big part of me getting my husband back.  That whole story is here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin