Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I get a lot of correspondence from spouses (who are usually wives) that admit to me that they are “only staying married for the sake of the children.” These wives often admit that they are quite unhappy and they worry that their lack of passion for life is going to influence or negatively affect their children. Sometimes, they admit, they wonder if their children would be better off with a divorced but happy parent rather than one who remains married only for their sake but who is quite unhappy.

Most people would agree that even small children pick up on and reflect their parents’ unhappiness. And, they learn how to live their own lives, and form their own relationships, from their parents. In fact, it’s not at all unlikely that your children are going to craft their beliefs about what to expect and accept from marriage by watching your own. Of course, then, you’ll want to model the most healthy example as is possible because, ultimately, every parent’s focus is their child’s happiness and well being.

But, I can’t in good faith tell you that being a child of divorce is a picnic. In my experience, it most certainly is not. And, it’s not just painful only when you are going through it. Divorce sort of follows the child throughout his or her life. It will even affect their children’s life because your grandchildren will likely have a spare set of step-grandparents eventually. That’s not to say that in some situations, divorce is preferable to suffering from physical or mental abuse. A child in this situation will often be better off removed from it.

But, this is usually not the situation that I get correspondence about. Instead, I usually hear from spouses who tell me that they’ve “fallen out of love” or have “grown apart.” Sometimes, I hear from people who tell me that they don’t have anything in common with their spouse anymore or “feel nothing” when they look at them. Other times, there are concrete stressors that have been placed on the marriage like the loss of a job or infidelity.

What Statistics And Studies Show Us About Children Of Divorce: There have been many studies and trials which have indicated that children who grow up with two parents do have some advantages in life. Children from two-parent homes do better in school, are less likely to get in trouble with the law, and are more likely to attend college and earn more money. Of course, none of these things means that your child can’t or won’t be happy without these things. But, being realistic, most would have to admit that these things do play a role in our well being and that we’d like for our children to be on the positive side of this equation if it’s at all possible.

Children Of Unhappy Parents Are In A Less Than Optimal Situation Also: On the flip side of this equation though, children who grow up in unhappy homes are also going to be negatively affected. There have been studies about children who grow up in homes with depressed parents. These studies also indicate that unhappy parents can raise children who are more likely to have mental health, cognitive, or social issues.

However, the fact that you’re reading this article indicates that you most certainly do not want any of these things for your children. Clearly, you have their best interests at heart and place their happiness and well being as your highest priority. I suspect that this is going to go a long way toward helping you to come to a decision that works best for all of the members of your family. But, I do believe that there’s usually a middle ground that everyone can live with. There’s no reason that both you and your children can’t be happy. I will discuss this more below.

A Possible Best Case Scenario: Returning Your Marriage To A Happy Place So That All Of The Family Members Are Growing Up In A Happy And Stable Environment: Here’s something that I find very interesting. Very few of the people who contact me ever entertain the fact that things in their marriage can improve or that things might (or can) change for the better. They’re pretty much accepted their lot in life as unhappiness. It’s as if they are counting on the fact that they are going to remain unhappily married and that there is not much that they can do about this.

This frustrates me a bit because I know first hand and with a great degree of certainty that most marriages can be changed and improved. Yes, it takes a lot of work and some deliberate actions. Sure, it will feel strange and vulnerable at first. But, the pay off to this is huge for you, your spouse, and for your children.

Why settle for living in a “loveless marriage” or for “only going through the motions” when it’s quite possible that you don’t have to? What if you could stay married (as you likely suspect that this is best for your children) but could also change the marriage so that it was more fulfilling for you?

Many people assume that if they choose to stay together for the children’s sake, this also means being unhappy with their spouse. It certainly does not have to be this way. I can not tell you how many couples have been completely convinced that they’d “fallen out of love” and then who did a complete 180-degree turnaround and were themselves quite surprised by this.

I suspect that what you really want is for everyone in your family to be happy and to be in a healthy situation. And, this should also include you. Because you are an important member of your family also. However, I believe that it’s possible to have all of these things. If you change some of your perceptions and set about getting to work, it’s my experience that it’s quite possible to stay together for the sake of your family but to also restore your marriage to a place where it makes you happy also.

I know that things might seem heavy right now, but I do believe that even situations that seem hopeless can turn around. There was a time that I thought my marriage was truly at its end. My husband was resentful, distant, withdrawn, and eventually suggested a break. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing, to give a little more, and to approach it from another angle, and this eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.

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