Leslie Cane Articles

Often, the people I hear from are the spouses who did not want to separate.  They are usually the ones who are a bit blindsided by their spouse moving out. And they’re looking for a strategy to save their marriage.  They weren’t necessarily unhappy, and they want things to return to the way that they were.

Occasionally, though, I hear from the unhappy spouse who wants to separate.  These exchanges teach me quite a bit.  Many people assume that the unhappy spouse just wants out and doesn’t care at all about what he is going to put everyone through.  I find that this isn’t always the case.  Sometimes, he is actually incredibly torn. He doesn’t want to cause his spouse one bit of pain.  He’s very worried about his family’s well-being.  But he can’t ignore his own unhappiness.  He often feels like he has to choose between his wife’s happiness and his own.

He might say, “I have been married for four years.  I must admit that I am pretty unhappy right now.  Things have changed in my marriage over the last 18 months.  I feel that my wife and I need a break to have any chance to make our marriage work.  I do not want to end my marriage.  My spouse doesn’t necessarily believe this, but it is true.  I just want to take a break so that we will hopefully come back together with a fresh set of eyes.  But I worry about what separation is going to do to my wife.  Her life revolves around me and our marriage.  We spend most of our time together and honestly, she only spends a minimal amount of time with other people.  I worry that she is going to be incredibly unhappy and lonely when I move out.  I worry that my decision is going to very negatively affect her outlook on life.  At the same time, when I think about pretending that nothing is wrong and just staying, then that makes ME very unhappy.”

I applaud your concern about your spouse.  Not everyone who is initiating a separation considers their spouse’s experience as thoroughly as you are.   Hopefully, this will come through when you discuss things with her.  I’m guessing that she has some suspicions about the way that you feel already, although she may be hoping that this just all goes away on its own (like I did.)  I’d like to suggest something to you and then I’ll offer some tips on how to minimize the impact on her should you move out.

Open Your Mind: Have you ever considered separating but continuing to live under the same roof – at least initially?  I mention this because it might minimize some of the concerns that you have.  You would have to set very clear boundaries and be firm about your need for space.  But I do believe that it’s easier to save your marriage if you live under one roof.  You could try it and see if she will respect the boundaries. If that is not possible, I’ll now discuss some things that I think would have helped me during my own separation.  I DID have trouble adjusting, although I eventually did.

Make Your Sincere Intentions Very Clear To Her:  It’s very important that your wife knows that you truly want to save your marriage. So much of the pain that we experience during the separation is based on fear. We are so afraid that separation is the precursor to divorce.  If you don’t believe that this will be the case, it’s important that you tell your wife. It’s also important that you don’t withhold reassurance if you truly think that it will be possible to save your marriage.  So much of my negative behavior during my own separation was because I was afraid that my husband was looking for a way to exit.  If he had reassured me that this wasn’t the case, things might have been different.

Prioritize Regular Communication:  Many husbands will reassure their wife that they don’t want a divorce and that they just need time. But then they will go almost completely silent on their wife once they move out.  Needless to say, she is going to think that the silence is the first step toward you shutting her out and beginning the process of moving away from her. So it’s very important that you set up a communication schedule and then stick with it – even if things are a bit awkward at first.  This is going to go a long way toward reassuring her that you are still invested.

Be As Open And As Transparent As Possible: Another issue that I repeatedly see (and had myself) is that a husband will sometimes clam up about his experiences and perceptions.  Understandably, your wife is going to want to know what is going on with you and how you are feeling.  You might not always have good answers for her.  You may not know how you feel.  But it’s important that you aren’t evasive.  If you aren’t sure what you feel, it’s okay to say so.  But don’t shut down on her.  Try to remain as positive as you can.  And even if all you are doing is small talk for a while, don’t shut the door on communication.

Encourage Her To Lean On Her Support System: Before my own separation, my life revolved around my husband.  After we separated, I really didn’t want to be around other people.  But this outlook was incredibly lonely, isolating, and depressing.  Luckily, I have some pretty aggressive friends and family members who wouldn’t allow me to isolate myself.  I reconnected with a lot of very good friends that I prioritize to this day.

This reconnection enriched my life and I’m very grateful for it.  Perhaps you could give your wife’s friends and family members a heads up and ask that they support her. (But their support doesn’t mean that you should back away from her.)  Some people forget that separated couples are still married couples.  Separated spouses should still be there for one another – even when their marriage has temporarily changed.

I only offer up the above because I went through a lot of the same issues.  I think it would have helped greatly if my husband had followed at least some of the advice above.  Because he was distant, uncommunicative, and evasive, I felt very insecure and I am not that proud of my behavior, which almost costs me my marriage. Eventually, I got it together and we reconciled.  But a lot of our pain could have been avoided.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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