Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives try their very best to remain positive and upbeat during their marital or trial separation. They are doing this because they are trying to do whatever they can to increase the chances that they will be able to save their marriage. However, sometimes, despite their best efforts, their husband isn’t making things easy. Often, the wife is trying very hard to be accommodating and upbeat, while the husband is countering by being very rude.

One might say: “I know that it’s very important that I be upbeat and positive while we are separated so that my husband will still be receptive and available to me. I’m doing my very best. I am always smiling and friendly, but he does his best to act just the opposite. He’s always sullen and rude. Sometimes, when he calls to ask about our kids, he will hang up on me without saying goodbye. Once, we were at a school activity for one of our kids, and not only did he not sit by me, but he proceeded to flirt with someone else right in front of me. I’m finding it very difficult to remain upbeat when he’s being so rude. But I’m afraid if I respond in kind, then he will totally retreat and our marriage won’t stand a chance. And yet, I feel disrespected and taken advantage of. What’s the best way to handle this?” I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

If You Allow Him To Be Rude Without Comment Or Action, He Will Likely Keep Right On Acting In The Same Way: I really commend this wife for remaining upbeat when the husband was being so rude. And she was right in her assumption that it’s important to try to keep a positive attitude in order to expect the best resolution. However, when your husband is not only not receptive, but he’s also doing his very best to counter with his own rudeness, you might need to take some action of your own.

Because if you continue to remain upbeat even when he’s being combative, he may begin to think that it’s perfectly acceptable to treat this way and you can look like a doormat, which isn’t all that attractive and doesn’t help your cause.

How To Respond If You’re Husband’s Being Rude During The Separation: If you respond with your own rudeness, you run the risk of making things worse. The relationship could quickly turn sour and you could greatly diminish your chances for a reconciliation.

So, to me, a better strategy is to retreat somewhat. Remain positive but don’t be so available. For example, the next time the husband called, the wife might immediately say that the children needed her attention, and then sign off with something like “well, I know you’re busy, so I’ll talk to you later.” In that way, she wasn’t giving him the opportunity to hang up on her. Or, the next time they attended a school outing, she might take the initiative to sit somewhere else without waiting and following his lead. Eventually, the husband would likely ask the wife why she had changed her stance toward him. At that time, she could respond with something like: “well, you’ve made it obvious that you wanted to keep things strictly business between us and I’m trying to respect that. It’s clear to me that you don’t have much interest in communicating with me outside of the kids. So, for the kids’ sake, I’m trying to follow your lead and not to push. I don’t want to create more conflict. You know where I am when you’re ready to be more receptive or you change your mind. But until then, what’s the point in pushing you? It’s hurtful to me and the kids when you’re combative toward me. And that’s not like you, so I figure you have your reasons and that hopefully, you will work things out. Until then, I’m laying low. I hope you change your attitude and your behavior toward me because you know that I want to work things out. But until then, I’m giving you your space.”

Do you see where you’re going with this conversation? You aren’t having a nasty confrontation about his rudeness. But you are drawing his attention to it. And you’re calling him on his behavior while letting him know that you won’t allow it to continue. However, you are giving him an open invitation to reach out to you again when he decides to end his rude behavior.

There’s one more point I’d like to make. A husband being rude during a separation doesn’t always mean that he won’t eventually want to get back together or that he doesn’t love you. It could be a good indication of his frustration level with this entire situation. It’s probably not a lot of fun for him to have to ask about his children over the phone or to see them so sparingly. Yes, this situation is his own doing as he wanted the separation, but often he doesn’t realize this at the time because he is so wrapped up in the frustration of the moment. Sometimes, if you call him on his behavior and have some patience, you’ll see some marked improvement. When you do, move slowly so that you don’t expect too much too soon.

My husband was sometimes downright rude and cold toward me during our separation.  At first, this made me cling even more.  But after I educated myself on strategy, I decided it would help my cause to back off.  Once I did, my husband became interested in me again and this allowed me to try a whole new strategy.  You can read about the strategy that worked to save my marriage on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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