Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from women who intuitively know that they shouldn’t pressure their husband when they are going through a marital separation. Typically, the husband already knows that the wife hasn’t embraced the separation and would like for him to come home as soon as possible. The wife knows that there is no need to keep repeating this. But, she can’t help the fact that she misses him, wants to reach out to him, and wants to do something to speed the process along.

Common comments are something like this one: “my husband and I have been separated for several months. As far as separations go, I suppose ours is a decent one. What I mean by that is that we are getting along just fine. We get together regularly for our children. Sometimes, we go out for dinner and we end up laughing in exactly the same way that we used to. Sometimes, it would be completely normal and within my habit to just reach out and hug or kiss my husband at times like this. But something in the way that he is looking at me within that moment tells me that this might be the wrong call. I am so scared of stepping over any boundaries and of making him feel pressured. So I don’t reach out to him. But at the same time, I miss a physical relationship with him. It has been too long since we have reached out to one another. It leaves me feeling very conflicted. Because on the one hand, I know that it is my best interest not to pressure him or to continue to ask him where he is in this process. But at the same time, having to hold back from him is so extremely difficult for me. I am trying to be patient, but it’s hard. He seems to be moving at a slower pace than many other husbands in this situation. And part of me just wants to reach out to see how he will react but I know that this would be a mistake. What can I do? How do I have more patience?”

I can identify with this. I became so impatient during my own separation that I left town for a while just so I would have not keep questioning my husband. However, in my situation my husband had made it very clear that he was going to react negatively to any pressure. So it was pretty obvious that I didn’t have many options other than to respect this.

Since I didn’t know this husband’s personality, it was difficult for me to speculate as to what may be the best plan. Some men can tolerate or even react favorably to a tiny bit of gentle nudging and others will begin to pull away at the first hint of the same. That’s why it’s so important to keep a close eye on any reactions that your husband may have or any indications that he might give you. I will discuss this more below.

Know That You Probably Aren’t Going To Execute Any Strategy Perfectly. But You Should Always Try To Respond To Any Clues Or Hints That He Is Giving You: Wives often beat themselves up by thinking that they are doing too much or not doing enough. Many wives in this situation will sort of scold themselves when they overstep or they worry that they have made a mistake so grave that they have lost their husband for good.

On the flip side, many will worry that they are not being aggressive enough. Please know that you have to give yourself a break. You probably aren’t going to execute any strategy perfectly. I certainly didn’t. Emotions are high and you can only do the best that you can and try to fix things when you need to.

If your husband’s behavior indicates that you’ve gone too far, then back up and recoup as best as you can. You may have to have some patience as you try to gain ground once again. Likewise, if you reach out a little bit and aren’t rejected, wait for a little while and try very some additional small gestures and watch very closely for any positive reaction. If you get a positive reaction this means that, after some time, it’s probably safe to try again. But if you get a negative reaction, try not to make the mistake or just coming on more strongly or pushing even harder. If you do this, you run the risk of him becoming more guarded and lessening his access to you.

How This Looks In Real Life: I understand that it is very hard to sit across a dinner table and not reach for your husband’s hand when just a few months ago, you probably would have done this without a second thought. Sometimes, you can sort of tell that your husband is feeling the same way and sometimes you second guess yourself. If you find this happening, you can try to feel him out without acting recklessly and regretting later. So in this instance, you might say something like: “before I stopped to think about it, I almost reached out and grabbed your hand.” And then just stop. If he doesn’t say anything to encourage you, then you know that you will have to continue to be patient and you should do everything in your power to make sure that things don’t turn awkward. But sometimes, he will tell you that it’s OK if you hold his hand or he will reach out and grab yours.

If this happens, just accept the gift that has been given in the moment and try to be happy with that little bit of progress for a bit until you try again. I know it’s tempting to want to see how far you can take it, but try to resist this because it honestly is better if you can have a give and take where sometimes he is the one reaching out to you.

I know that it is frustrating when your husband seems to be moving at a snail’s pace. If it becomes too much, you can try little gestures to see how he responds but always try the smallest gesture you can accept because it is better to want more than to apply pressure and risk him pulling away. Because when this happens, you are then in a situation where you have to backtrack and make up ground.

At the same time, some husbands do need and respond to a gentle nudge. That’s why it is so important to carefully watch and read the body language that is giving you hints as to how receptive he may or may not be.

I know that this is hard. But I believe from my own experience that it is better to move gradually and to have success than to push and have to start over. Of course, you likely know your husband’s personality better than anyone and this can also give you some clues as to your best path.

I understand your impatience.  I felt the same way and sometimes I acted on it.  I found through experience that if I moved slowly, I always had more success.  But if I gave into my urge to push, he almost always felt pressured and pulled away.  I had to train myself to move slower than I wanted.  But it was worth it in the end.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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