Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s not unusual for one spouse to be attempting to save their marriage while the other spouse is attempting to leave it. Of course, there are cases when both spouses mutually agree that it is best to end the marriage. But, those are not the folks who I hear from. Instead, I hear from those people (usually – but not always – wives) who are trying very hard to fight for their marriage while their spouse is strongly resisting them. Many start out with a good deal of determination but soon find out that being the only one trying to save your marriage is a lonely situation to be in. And you’re often left wondering if your efforts are going to be enough.

I might hear from a wife who says: “six months ago, my husband told me that he definitely wanted a separation but it was more likely that he wanted a divorce. This was upsetting to me, but not completely surprising. It’s been obvious that he isn’t happy. However, I do not buy that we could not become happy again with just a little work. My husband says that he doesn’t believe that things can ever be the way that they were between us. But I disagree. I’ve been trying to make him remember the important events in our marriage, but it doesn’t seem to do much good. He seems to be reasonably happy now. In fact, he seems happier living apart from me than he was living with me. This hurts. But I still believe that I can change this eventually. So, I’ve been going to counseling. I’ve been on my best behavior when I see my husband. I keep a journal recording the things I’ve tried and whether they have worked or haven’t. In short, I just keep at it every chance I get. But I worry that I’m not really making progress. I worry that one person alone can not save a marriage. Sometimes, I think that I am crazy for hanging on when he’s very clearly told me I’m wasting my time. Am I crazy?”

You are not crazy. You are dealing with this as best as you can. I know how you feel. I too set out to save my marriage alone. And I know that is a very lonely and scary place to be. For a long time, not only did I not make any progress, but I believe that I made things worse. The more it was clear that I was trying to change my husband’s mind, the more determined he was that I was never going to be successful with this. And the more he backed away from me. I will admit that there was a time when I backed away in frustration. Interestingly, when this happened, my husband became receptive to me again.

Why It Helps To Loosen Your Grip: From my own experience and from the people who I hear from in the same situation, I believe that when you get discouraged or wonder if you’re just wasting your time, it can be helpful to turn inward and, for just a little while, to focus on yourself. People are often afraid of this. They think that while their back is turned, their husband is going to forget all about them. But, you have to ask yourself what is going to be the harm of focusing on yourself when nothing is changing anyway. Your husband likely already knows what you want and how you feel. You focusing on your own needs isn’t going to change that.

And frankly much of the time, it will make you appear more attractive when you make it obvious that your needs are important too. He will respect you more and when you do come back to the table, he’s likely to pay more attention. Of course, I can’t guarantee you that this will always happen. Every situation is different. But when you are not seeing any progress, then I think it often helps (and rarely harms) to take a break.

I’d also like to encourage you by telling you that I’ve seen people have success when they were the only one who wanted to save their marriage. Of course, your spouse is going to have to eventually decide to cooperate by being receptive to what you are trying to do. But in my experience, this isn’t required during the entire process, especially at the beginning. People change their minds all of the time. You may have to accept very slow and gradual changes. You may have to back away when you are met with resistance. And you may have to have more patience than you ever imagined. Even then, there are no guarantees.

Knowing What Is In Your Heart:  If your heart is telling you that you are not ready to give up, then I don’t see the logic in forcing yourself to do so. You’ll always wonder if you gave up too soon. I believe that most people know, deep in their hearts, when is the right time to pull away and the right time to hang in there. As you are the one walking that path, then it’s up to you when to make these calls. People will tell you that you are wasting your time and setting yourself up to be hurt. But we are talking about your marriage here. It’s not as if you are deciding to give up on something that doesn’t matter.

I understand knowing that if the marriage is going to be saved, then you are going to be have to be the one to save it. This is a tough situation, but many of us decide that we’d rather be the lone person fighting for our marriage than joining forces in the quest to give up and walk away.   It may or may not turn out to be enough in the end.  But you won’t know unless you hang in there.

I know first hand that this is a difficult situation.  But sometimes, it helps to back away and not make any decisions for a while.  This allows you to regroup and not act on fear.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I handled this my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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