Leslie Cane Articles

By:  Leslie Cane: Many wives know that their lives may change significantly when their separated husband moves out. This can be scary and unsettling. As a result, many wives intuitively know that they should try to make this process easier. So they seek a sense of control over their living arrangements. Therefore, some wonder if they should redecorate in order to reclaim a sense of serenity.

Someone might say, “Is it a good idea to redecorate when you’re dealing with a marital separation? I don’t want to do anything that might hinder a reconciliation, but I’ve always hated my husband’s style when it comes to decorating. I feel like he forfeited his right to have any say when he moved out. Lately, I’ve been working on myself so I’d like to display motivational quotes and paint the walls with uplifting colors. I’d also like to change our bedroom to reflect my own taste. Since he no longer lives here, I feel that I have this right. However, some of my friends disagree. They say that these changes might upset my husband and that I shouldn’t rock the boat. Are they right?”

Why You’d Want To Change Your Surroundings: Many people do not understand how your surroundings reflect your mood and sense of security. Your home can have a huge impact on your well-being and relaxation. At a time when it may be difficult to let go and relax, making subtle changes to ensure maximum comfort can be important. Separating from your spouse and living alone can make one feel incredibly vulnerable and raw. Anything that you can do to counter this with feelings of security is worth trying. If changing color palettes and hanging meaningful sayings makes you feel better, go for it.

Expressing Yourself During A Difficult Time: During my own marital separation, many people had opinions about how I should live my new life. Ultimately though, it was MY life. I had to find my own way. This is only my opinion, but I certainly don’t see the harm in making easily-changeable tweaks to the decor. The framed quotes can easily be removed when and if they no longer serve you. Paint, bedspreads, and furniture are all easily changed.

Additional Considerations: I’m not sure that I would want to make expensive or lasting changes since your husband would move back in after a reconciliation. At that point, you would want him to feel at home. If his home has changed extensively, that might be an issue. So I would think long and hard about any changes that can’t be easily undone or explained away.

What To Say If He Comments On The Changes: One would hope that you are in regular contact with your husband. Or, even better, that you see him regularly. If so, it is a fair assumption that he will visit your home. When he does, he will likely notice the changes that you’ve made. And he may ask you about them. I would answer him honestly since you don’t want him to assume that you’re making a sole claim to your shared home or that you don’t welcome him back with open arms. I’d suggest something like, “I was looking for uplifting ways to cope with our situation. I wanted our home to become more of a sanctuary so I made a few changes to accomplish this. I was careful so that everything can be easily changed. I obviously want for you to feel at home here, so we can discuss how to reflect both of our personalities whenever you are ready.”

Maintaining Positivity After The Reconciliation: I would never want to insinuate that I wanted my own separation. I did not. But many positive transformations came out of it. I did much self-work and I became a stronger, more introspective person. I was thrilled to reconcile with my husband, but I also did not want to lose the individual progress that I’d made. Once you reconcile, hold on to any of the ideals reflected in your change of decor. In other words, don’t lose sight of your desire for uplifting boosts in mood or the need for inspirations to motivate you.

Reconciling with your spouse is a wonderful thing. But, in my experience, returning to the old status quo is the worst thing that you can do. Incorporate the positive experiences and insights that were hard-won during this difficult time. Continue toward growth. Sure, you may eventually change the decor when you reconcile to reflect the couple who lives there. But don’t return to the place that you were before the growth and transformation that strengthened you. Because frankly, two stronger individuals can’t help but make a stronger marriage. Any improvements you’ve made to yourself should improve your marriage. You don’t want to surrender these important gains.

I’d never say the separation was a positive thing or that the gains that I made were worth the pain, but it never makes sense to throw away growth. You can read more about my gains and how we reconciled at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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