Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who become a little confused and conflicted once their biggest wish finally comes true and they start to believe that their husband now regrets leaving them. Often, the wife has been wishing for months that she would begin to see some indicators that he’s having second thoughts or regrets about leaving. But, when this finally happens, the wife can often be left wondering if she’s only imagining it. And, if she’s not, where does she go from here?

Common comments are things like: “when my husband was first threatening to leave me, I told him that he was going to regret it. I knew that our problems were not so big that we needed to split up or live in different places. I knew that none of our problems meant that we should risk or end our marriage. My husband wouldn’t listen to me and he insisted that he needed some time on his own. When he finally did leave, I was devastated and I have been having a hard time ever since. I miss him so much. I want to save my marriage more than anything. For a couple of weeks after my husband left, he rarely called. Gradually though, he has become more receptive to me. And for the last month, we have been almost dating again. There are times when my husband will be quite loving toward me and then after a while he tends to back away again. But every once in a while, he will make comments or do things that make it relatively obvious that he may have some regret about leaving. At first, I told myself that maybe this was just wishful thinking on my part or that I was imagining things. But these things have been happening for a while now and I’m pretty certain that he regrets leaving me. I don’t know how to handle this. Should I ask him if he has regrets? So I ask him to reconcile or move back in?” I will answer these questions in the following article.

There Is Nothing Wrong With Being Hopeful. But Applying Pressure Is Sometimes A Mistake: To be honest, I think that it may be premature to talk about coming home. Not only that, but it is just human nature to not want to admit that you made a mistake. Most people would rather feel that they made the best decision that they could at the time. And not every one takes kindly to having their mistakes pointed out to them. So pointing our your husband’s mistake or demanding an admission of the same will often not endear you to him.

With that said, there were some real indications that this husband truly regretted leaving. And this was a very positive development and a great sign. But what is the harm in just enjoying this and waiting to see what will happen? Most separated men resist being pressured by their wives. Things were going well now. If you pressure him, you may negate or slow your progress.

See If You Can Build On Your Progress Rather Than To Push And Introduce Risk: I know that you want for your husband to come home. I know that it would be so wonderful to hear him say that he has regrets about leaving. It would give you a lot of validation to hear this. But pushing for either of these things brings about risk that your husband will respond to this pressure by backing away from you. And then all of the progress that you have already made might be potentially wasted.

I believe that it is better to have patience and to build on the progress that you have already made. Now is the perfect time to strengthen your marriage. Your husband is becoming more and more and receptive to you, so rather than risking him backing away, it makes sense to continue to do what you have been doing in order to pull him closer and closer to you. Work on your relationship and try to erase those issues that lead to him leaving in the first place.

That way, when he does come home, you have a much greater chance of things actually working out for the long term. And you will enjoy a stronger marriage because of your patience.

But to directly answer the question posed, it sounded plausible that this husband regretted leaving. But what mattered more than this was that the wife use his change of heart in order to help her to strengthen and then save her marriage. Pointing out his mistake or pressuring him to come home before he was ready risked the progress she had already made.

I honestly think that the best case scenario in this situation was to allow the husband to decide to come home on his own. That way, both of them would have the confidence that the husband came to his own decisions because the time was right rather than because he was pressured.

I admit to pressuring my husband during our separation. And it backfired horribly. I had so much ground to make up and frankly, I almost couldn’t do it. And my marriage almost ended. If I had to do it all over again, I’d definitely be more patient. If It helps you can read the whole story read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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